Another week with more good news and progress being made!

Another week, another therapy session and more evaluating done.
This time I completed 4 timed activities.
Improvements on all 4!
Oh joy of joys.
Especially, since I went in tired and struggling.
The very first one, my eyes and brain were struggling it out.  It was hard work.  The frustrating thing is I know the "old me" wouldn't have struggled or thought it was hard at all.  At first there was a concern about doing it on a day when I felt "off."  But I wanted to know how I would do on a bad or semi-bad day, not just on a good day.
So we proceeded.
That first "test."  I improved my score.  I really improved my score.
I struggled through it.  I was able to explain to her what was hard and she referenced other test scores and said it completely made sense.  Regardless, I improved.  Significantly, amazingly, exceedingly beyond imagination improvement.  I could only smile and cup my hands over my tears.  The joy.  The inner fist pumping in my heart.  Tears not yet spilling.  My therapist was ecstatic she could not wait to score my efforts.  It was a "see how much you can do in this many minutes" evaluation... I doubled my efforts!  Huge!
So onto the next 3 evaluations.  They involved reading aloud.  Immediately, I knew it went better.  Even though I could tell my eyes were working hard, I wasn't struggling to read aloud (say the numbers) as I have in the past.  Speaking can be such a challenge sometimes.  I knew my times had improved.  I will get my scores next week.  My times were fast enough to get me on the chart my therapist believed.  I have been less than 1% each time tested but with faster times.  It looks like, I have made it to the "Top 100" chart this week.  May not be passing yet, but improving.  I will take it and celebrate it.  Looking forward to next week.
I started writing down times to refer to on days when I am feeling discouraged.  Just a reminder things are moving along in the right direction.
My therapist was concerned to tell me that I wasn't "passing" yet.

A little bit of kitty love in the sunshine and gentle reminders from God...

This guy;

speaks to my heart so much sometimes. 

We laugh when we say he is emotionally constipated.  And when we say he is an emotional eater.  

He is quirky.  And aren't we all? 

He has his own emotional need issues, and don't we all?  

Counting joy and reflecting on the past week

I have been reflecting on my accomplishments this past week.

I traveled this weekend with my kids.  I had minimal bumps along the way.  The kids have been great.  They have been walking this road with me and learning right along with me.  As time passes, there are fewer and smaller bumps.

We have all learned to respect my limitations and live with "pacing" ourselves/me.  That means the trip was "quieter" than past trips.  Relaxing.  If I overdo, then I am down for who knows how long.  We have been learning to say no for the short term so in the long term and big picture it is only a little no, and more yeses.  (For instance, I may need to say no to a 30 minute run to the store, so I can rest.  Rested means I will be able "to do" the next 4 hours.)  It is frustrating.  I like being able 'to do'.  I remind myself regularly though it doesn't hurt the kids to hear "no,"and to do without.  "No" sometimes teaches creativity, contentment, compassion, and consideration.

Along with traveling, we were able to visit and connect with old friends/acquaintances.  Life just has a way of happening and interfering with moments to just sit and visit.  Or if you are a kid, to run and play and be silly with other kids. .

I managed to cook dinner Sunday with minimal intervention and help from them.  Their help was only needed because I was up to my wrists in bread dough and then I cut myself.  In spite of it all, dinner was made in 35 minutes.  This is huge in our house.  I have done a lot of relearning in the last year.  Cooking has been an issue but it is getting easier.  Monday night, I had another dinner success and score in the kitchen!!  So incredibly grateful for the Holy Spirit prompts and nudges that help me get through each day.

Laundry is caught up.  The dryer issues have all been resolved.

The dishwasher issues are almost completed.

Winterizing projects for the house are underway!

School lessons are getting done.  Some of the lessons are definitely God orchestrated because there is no other way to explain how they perfectly tie into what is happening in our own little personal world.  God is just so amazingly gentle and kind, going before us in this manner.

There is a plan for the remaining house chores.

More good news ~

After my last post about test results, I worked up my courage to share with my therapists.  I told them how much I appreciated hearing the test results and having them compared to when I started.  I told them I had been struggling with discouragement and just wondering how things were going.  Even though I had a few tangible "new" abilities it is sometimes difficult to notice improvements when the changes occur gradually.
Bless her beautiful heart, she told me she just had another client tell her the same thing and she took her through her chart and showed her the improvements.
So we sped through the process of getting my next week planned out and she opened the notebook.

Just that day, I did a task I had not done in months.  When I first attempted it, I was far from passing. Last Tuesday, I was still not passing, but I was so much closer that the idea of passing is conceivable!
Over and over again she showed me my initial scores.  They were so low.  She showed me over and over how I improved.  My first week few weeks she told me they had to make so many modifications to just the basic exercises.  She had never experienced a need to do this in all her years working in vision therapy.  Never.  Last Tuesday, they gave me an exercise typically given to clients who are exiting the weekly appointment routine and moving forward into more independent work.  Tears.  Good tears.  I may not "see" what is happening, but it is happening.

She ended the appointment with the news I will be going through a lot more testing soon.  More good news to come.

This is incredibly encouraging.  I am entering winter again.  I have not had a winter season since the accident where I felt confident in how I process things visually. Christmas lights, dark earlier in the day.  I am hopeful and cautious. I know only time will tell.  For now, I celebrate that in my peripheral vision, I can see doorknobs and recognize them.  As I type here, I can see the lamp to my left and clearly make out its lines and I can see the pillow to my right and make out the lines in the pattern.  Fatigue is always a factor and it is early in this day.  For this moment though I rejoice in these things!

I did the week's homework and what had me groaning in the office last week has been a confidence booster as I have experienced the exercises becoming somewhat easier.  

Grateful seems such a small word for the fullness I fill in my heart.

He silences the winds, calms the storms and pours out His peace

I have been dreading this week for some time.  Knowing it was coming has brought on tears, anxiety, doubt, frustration and anger.
I have hated every minute of it.
Scripture tells us to not worry about tomorrow because today has enough.
TRUTH right there.
But, I have learned:
the opposite of worry is preparation.
Worry can leave a person paralyzed in fear and what ifs.
Stopping to ask what is the worst that can happen?  What can I do to change the ending? Do I want to be a victim of circumstances or do I want to roll with the punches and make some choices?

Most days, I have been so busy I just can't even think about tomorrow because it is taking everything I have to get through this hour, this day. Most days passed and I never gave a second thought to this present week.
There were "other" days with moments that I let myself think. process. ponder. talk to God about this coming week.  There have been the days were my thoughts were uncontrolled and worry & anxiety took over.  Both kind of days were rough.  The difference though was how I felt at the end of each.  Worry and anxiety led to defeat. On a better day, I would "wake" up and realize I needed to change my focus. I would choose to change my thinking and make it a day of preparation. The days of prep work sometimes left me tired and drained.  Fatigue can lead to some tearful and emotional days.  In the end though, there was a hope and empowerment that things would get better.  This season would end.

I am grateful for all those hard moments and days.  Grateful for the time I took to process, to work through emotions.  Grateful for the preparation. Grateful for all the prayer support I requested.
Because...
The Monday of all Mondays came.

When the blank after Projected Outcome is left blank...

Earlier this year, found me in  a doctor's office.  Going through more tests.  More evaluations. Trying to not get my hopes up.  

Oh, the twists and turns which had brought me to that moment in that chair.  Listening to the medical providers explain test results.   In the process of explaining, they verbalized what I was experiencing and couldn't explain. They did it so beautifully. The relief that I felt.  The joy. The comfort. And oh the tears that flowed later.  To be known.  To be understood. To not have to explain.  Just a taste of what it is like with God, my Father.  He loves me, He understands. I don't have to have words.  He knows.  For a brief moment, while I sat in that chair, I experienced a comfort and peace in knowing He was leading and providing for me.

So when all the explaining was done, what to do about the problem needed to be talked about.  They had a plan.  There were things that could be done.  BUT..
But... I am pretty used to the word but...

But in my case they could offer no guarantees.  When a brain is injured and damaged, there are no guarantees.  The brain is a mystery.  Damaged parts stay damaged. New pathways have to be created.  How those pathways form or if they would form was a question no one could answer or predict.  They would be willing to work with me.  They had worked with a number of people who had suffered brain injuries and strokes. They were familiar with the struggles. They had experienced success stories.  They just couldn't offer a projected outcome.

He goes before Me, He is always with me, and He has my back PART 2

I had to have a sit down.  I had to breathe.  I had to thank God for His mighty protection and His peace.  I knew in my heart something bad had happened that day I smelled something "funny."  I recognized the "strange" and yet familiar sense of peace that enveloped me.  The same peace I experience 16 years ago as I lay in a hospital bed listening to doctors and medical staff begin the process of bringing my son into the world while trying to save both of our lives.  A peace beyond explanation but knowing He is there and with me and not going to leave me.

The fire that happened and put itself out because the blower in the dryer "broke" and moisture filled the inside of the dryer.  The stubborn tunnel vision of trying to get the dryer open to clean the lint out leading to the video that provided me the information that the dryer was broken and repairable (otherwise I might have just bought a new one...)  The fatigue that forced me to rest for a couple of days till I was prompted to call my friend.  The firm assurance by individuals that fixing was better than replacing. Trusting God and the counsel He was providing.  Repairs made, that led to other questions and "fatherly" concern and suggestions.   God was there in the midst of it all, directing my steps and questions and protecting us all the while.