When the blank after Projected Outcome is left blank...

Earlier this year, found me in  a doctor's office.  Going through more tests.  More evaluations. Trying to not get my hopes up.  

Oh, the twists and turns which had brought me to that moment in that chair.  Listening to the medical providers explain test results.   In the process of explaining, they verbalized what I was experiencing and couldn't explain. They did it so beautifully. The relief that I felt.  The joy. The comfort. And oh the tears that flowed later.  To be known.  To be understood. To not have to explain.  Just a taste of what it is like with God, my Father.  He loves me, He understands. I don't have to have words.  He knows.  For a brief moment, while I sat in that chair, I experienced a comfort and peace in knowing He was leading and providing for me.

So when all the explaining was done, what to do about the problem needed to be talked about.  They had a plan.  There were things that could be done.  BUT..
But... I am pretty used to the word but...

But in my case they could offer no guarantees.  When a brain is injured and damaged, there are no guarantees.  The brain is a mystery.  Damaged parts stay damaged. New pathways have to be created.  How those pathways form or if they would form was a question no one could answer or predict.  They would be willing to work with me.  They had worked with a number of people who had suffered brain injuries and strokes. They were familiar with the struggles. They had experienced success stories.  They just couldn't offer a projected outcome.



Learning the doctors can't offer a projected outcome can be scary.
It can be discouraging.
It can be a challenge.
A blank piece of paper.
No limitations.

It didn't take me long to decide.  God had provided the funds.  I had nothing to lose and so much to gain.  God had shown Himself walking with me through this journey over and over in spite of my tears, complaining and discontent.  At this moment, He was comforting through the understanding and knowledge of these people.  I signed and started therapy.

This past week, I had an assessment on my progress.   

The care plan originally created is/was coming close to ending.
The question of the day was how much progress had I made?  While I could share some good news and recent accomplishments, it was time to check numbers and compare.

I was full of anticipation.  I just wanted to know what the numbers would say.  I knew there had been improvements, but a story here and there is really hard for the purpose of "measuring" progress.
I wanted to hear something measurable about the progress I've made.
It has been a long hard season.
When life suddenly changes.  
When hope is cautiously given.
When the line for projected outcome is left blank.
When the advice is to accept where you are at while never giving up.
When people point to God and remind you He is all about miracles and, meanwhile, knowing miracles don't always look like we imagine.  It gets hard.
God does heal. He does restore.  His timing isn't always our timing.  Sometimes His timing is somewhere in eternity.  But here, now in this moment it is hard work.  Sometimes there is also a battle raging to hold onto hope and faith.  It is sometimes an internal battle for peace and contentment in this present moment to accept a physical existence that is less, is broken and weak.  It is a struggle to sometimes overcome fear, doubt and discouragement. A struggle to not remember and compare to the past.  All while knowing in my (our) weakness, He is strong.  I have had my share of weakness and "not able to do" moments.  The difference between then and now, is it was easier to believe it was temporary weakness back then.  Easier to trust, knowing eventually I would be back up and running.  There weren't any serious life altering/limiting diagnosis back then.  This time, no one knows.  No one tries to guess.  There are no percentages.  Only God knows.

I knew almost right away my times had improved.
Then the percentages were written down.
I knew not to react too much, until the numbers were explained... but they were low. 1% and 5%.
Then I saw my prior percentages <1% and <1%.

My face is always a pretty good indicator of what is going on inside me and my expression caused a quick pause in the process.  I was told to look at the times, not the percentages.  A visit with the doc and he had to pause and look at my raw scores because the percentages were misleading.

My initial scores had been so low.  I wasn't on the chart, hence, the LESS THAN.  For one brief second, I considered asking how "less than" and then I exhaled and reminded myself, it didn't matter.  I wasn't there anymore.  I was on the chart now.  That is what matters.  AND I am no where near where I was 6 months ago.  I am making strides forward and improving.  I am on the chart and in the "top 100" now.

For the first time, other percentages were discussed.  A percentage was tossed out, if it was reached, I would be able to "function and work" like the rest of the adult world. I would be "average."  I chuckled. I still chuckle.
No projected outcomes have been given.
BUT this time I have a number to strive for, a number that has never been offered before.  A number that comes with a measured expectation of function.Gratefully, my people discussed how I was gaining ground.  They were pleased with my progress.  I have only been back in the office seeing them for about 6 weeks.  I plateaued last Spring.  The plateau was anticipated, predicted.  So a 3 month break happened.  The hope was the break would allow for all the work to "sink in" and when I returned improvement would pick up.  Apparantly, it worked!

I am making progress.  Enough progress,  I was asked what I wanted to do, when they told me my time was coming to an end.  I wanted to emphatically say, "Keep on going!"  Instead, I calmly asked the doctor, what do you think is best?  His recommendation was to keep on working!  To take advantage of the momentum and see how much further I can progress.  I could not have been more excited.  Just maybe those other percentages will be attainable!

It has been a humbling journey.  I just can't even express what it is like to know there are people willing to stay in the "fight" with me.  Hope and encouragement are amazing things.  Having people to cheer you on and be there to help you in the fight, priceless. I have felt incredibly blessed.

Then I went to my car and cried.
The tears rolled.  All the work.  The struggle.  Each faith-filled step because I had no clue where I was headed.  I couldn't even see beyond the next step.  I wish I could say I only focused on the next step all those days.  I didn't.  I struggled through fears, anxiety, the what ifs, and discontent.  Discontent has been a big one.  I know God is with me.  I know God is for me.  I know God won't leave me or forsake me.  This place, this season, this new life is not what I would have chosen.  Questioning God, really isn't a good option.  I find I do it anyhow.  I even whine and cry about it.  As I processed the news this week, I have reflected on how He has walked me through.  I have reflected on the lessons I have learned.  How I have grown in my faith.  I wish I could say it was mostly done with smiles and laughter.  There have been sunny moments.  It has been a lot of hard work though.  Lots of fatigue.  Lots of grief and tears.  Regularly choosing to not focus on what I used to be able to do, but to focus on what I can do now.  A battle I still fight.  Constantly reminding myself to not look back, only forward. This has been the hardest, because the journey has been slow.  I haven't always felt like I was moving forward, because sometimes there are setbacks.  I have learned in the darkest of journeys, it is hard to see or know progress, you just blindly keep stepping where God tells you to go.  I have clung to Scripture and heard God whisper to my heart. "Shhh, I have got this" and that He "loves me and won't leave me or forsake me."

 "And He arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm." Mark 4:39

When God gave me this verse one and half years ago, I wondered if I was misunderstanding.  It was so different than the typical ones that get quoted for hope and encouragement and spurring one onward in faith.  Yet, God has used this verse in many different ways in the present season I am growing through.  He whispers it to my heart, calming and reassuring me.  Sometimes He whispers to remind me to rest, to not try so hard.  Sometimes it is to remind me He will fight for me.  Othertimes, He uses it to let me know, to rest in Him and move forward.  He is with me and will calm the storm, I don't have to fear where I am heading.

This last week, He gave me a peek at my progress.  He gave me a glimpse of possibilities ahead of me.  He knew the exact day and week I would need to hear the news.  He knew.  He showed me just enough of the "past" to show me how far I have come.  I don't have a projected outcome.  But in life the only projected outcome we have is death.  We all will end there....  I just hope between now and then, my story blesses someone.  I hope my story reflects God's faithfulness and love for each one of us and is a source of encouragement.