Adjusting and Healing in Ways Unexpected

I started this post months ago.
My heart was raw...
It needed to sit for awhile.
I needed to sit for a while.
My head and my heart, they know Truth.  But my flesh, my person still grieves loss still the same.
While in the midst of loss I am able to find much gain and joy, the losses still leave a void and ache.  That void and ache is sometimes compounded by the fact my losses don't affect only me.  It isn't only myself that must face the changes in my abilities or lifestyle but also those closest to me.  Even though I encouraged independence and self-sufficiency, I still did a lot for my family.  As time went by, we noticed more losses as the number of people in our lives dwindled.  Not that they didn't care but we were no longer as active and involved in things as we once were.  Just more loss.
So, I delayed in sharing the following, because I just needed a bit more time to soak in the conversation between my son and I.  So grateful I am, for this memory.  For the healing that allowed this conversation to happen.

January 2016:
My oldest son and I went to my latest appointment together.
We weren't sure how much the testing would affect me.
Since most of his school is online and they have wi-fi, he didn't lose too much from doing his assignments.
He joined us as we went over the preliminary results.



I was so touched by this woman who went over my results.
She is a super sweet lady.

She looked at my son and told him, he was an amazing young man.  That I was incredibly blessed to have my kids.  She could tell from our conversations how kind, considerate and helpful they have been.  She knew how much the car accident had changed my life and how difficult it must be for them.  She had tears in her eyes.  I ended up with tears in my eyes and all my son could do is nod his head.

She is right.  My kids are amazing.
They have had their struggles with all the changes.
Who wouldn't.  I know I sure have.
But they have chosen to be amazingly supportive and encouraging.

Afterwards, as we were heading home, I asked him:
What does he miss about the mom he knew before the accident?
What does he like about the mom I am after the accident?

I shared with him, some of the things I miss the most are the things that had to go to make room for some of the good stuff I now have.  So there is a grieving and an appreciation of the loss.

What he said, blew me away.
Brings tears to my eyes and heart.

He misses my ability to multi-task and my ability to get so much done in a day.
We were able to do so much more in a day.  (AND, oh, the fun stuff we could squeeze in!)
This is MY biggest grief.  Sometimes, I feel like so much LESS as a mom.  Even though I know responsibilities and chores and sometimes saying no are good for kids.
What he has now instead is "a life that is less chaotic."  He said with all that doing, there was alot of chaos.  Now things are much calmer. He likes it.

Tears.
He is right.
Now we don't do as much.
We have to be more intentional.
We have to prioritize more.
We have to be selective.
Those aren't terrible lessons to learn.
Enough time has passed for appreciation to develop for the changes.
My heart is just over flowing with emotion.
So very humbled by his answer.