He hears the cry of my heart and He draws me to Him

Tonight the tears flow.
It has been a difficult day.
A difficult week.
A difficult month.
A difficult year.
A difficult marriage.
A difficult life.

I have been yelled and screamed at more minutes, hours and days than I count.

Tonight the tears flow, the urge to feel sorry for myself and to go down that road is strong.

After this night and it not being the first night of listening to:
My dear one(s) wish for my death.
Heap the blame on me for the divorce.
And then wish for themselves to be dead because it is all just too painful.

I just can't speak. Words won't come.
I just am frozen where I sit.

I knew the day would come.

My kids are smart.
Sometimes too smart for their own good, for my own good.



I knew one day they would make the connection.
Mom changed.
Mom wanted things to be different.
If Mom had only stayed the same.
If only Mom hadn't changed.

It is late.  I am alone and I cry.

I see the road of self pity and the temptation is strong...

The years of abuse.
The years of blame.
The years of being the scapegoat.
The years of longing for family and feeling ashamed because of where I fit into family dysfunction.
The years of believing blood is thicker than water.
The years of choosing family because that is what family does.
The years of not realizing I was a part of a bigger family.
The years of not realizing God's family is my family, my blood family.
The years of never being quite what others wanted.
Knowing if lined up with all the other daughters, mothers, sisters in the world I wouldn't be a first choice or even a last choice.
It doesn't work that way in birth families.
You just get born.
With my heart breaking and worn out from words spoken out of deep hurts, my soul cries and asks what does it look like to be chosen?

What does it feel like to be chosen, to be preferred, to be a first choice, to be wanted?

To be chosen and valued so highly that great care is exercised in upkeep, care and maintenance of the relationship?  

It is in that moment God stopped me, 

"But you were picked.  

I picked you. 

I chose you to be the mother to each of these children.  

They might not have chosen you. BUT I chose you.  You were my first choice.  I knew this day would come.  I chose you to be their mother.

I may not be anyone else's first choice...but in this moment God reminded me

  I am His first choice.  

God reminded ME as my child lashed out and expressed accusation upon accusation, my child would pause realizing I did know.  

"You don't know what it is like to have your parents get divorce!"  pause... 

"You don't know what it is like to have people say horrible things about you!"  pause...  

"You don't know what it is like to have everything fall apart!" pause.... 

"You don't know what it is like...."  pause...

Because each hurt, each challenge this child of mine is enduring

God chose me as His mother because He knew I would know. 

God knew that I would have a heart to open and sensitive to the lessons within the life 

experiences. 

God knew that I would choose to seek Him in the hard. 

God knew that I would consider that just maybe there was a greater purpose in all this hard.

God knew that I would choose to turn over each experiene and say,
"I hate this.  I hate every single minute, second, breath of this.  If it must be, please use it.

Use it for Your Glory.  Use it to bless another.  Use it to make me more empathetic and understanding.  Use it to make me more compassionate.  JUST.USE.IT.  Please don't

let my tears and pain be for nothing."

God fearfully and wonderfully made each and everyone of us.  He CHOSE me for this moment.

He knew me before I took a breath.  He knew.

He knew my child before a breath was taken. He knew. 

He knew the challenges each of us would face and in His perfect wisdom put us together.
Not just to make life easier for one or the other.
But because He knew. 

He knew my child would need someone who understood.  

He knew I would need to experience that ugly moment, and experience the pauses...

to hear and fully comprehend God's answer to my questions...

to hear a divine response to my deep aching heart

He chose ME.
He fearfully and wonderfully made me. 

He knew me.
He knew my character before I did. 

He knew the lives I would be a part of... 

He knew the stories that would intertwine.
He knew that I would need my child. 

To bring me to this conversation with Him

To hear, 

"I chose you...

chose me for a purpose beyond what I could have imagined. 

For a purpose I might not have chosen myself, but for what HE created me for... 

Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.