He demanded.
"Why!?! Why did you change??"
It wasn't the time or place to answer.
It wasn't even the question for the moment.
So many other issues were at hand. And this was just another question to distract from the problem being addressed.
Yet, the question remains.
At some point, I started asking how do I answer the questions: Why did we get divorced? How did it come to this?
I have learned the answer and details don't matter so much as what I choose to do each given day.
Yet, taking time to reflect on the journey and the how is important. What worked and what didn't? What would I do over again and what would I never want to repeat again?
So what changed?
I have been honest with my kids I changed.
I did.
There are a lot of details that led to the changing but I changed.
Truth is, change is inevitable.
It is impossible to not change. Each moment, each day we are older. We are one step closer to death. We inhabit this flesh that is in a constant state of decay. We are changing. That is just physically. Yet as we change physically we must learn to change with it and adapt. So our thoughts and attitudes are impacted.
I changed. Some resist change with all they have. Change is not always easy.
I grieved over the fact that I had changed.
I had changed and it had impacted my home and children.
Then one of my children made the most healing remark ever. This child looked in my eyes and said, "Mom, everyone changes. It isn't your fault."
I had been looking at it, as I had changed. I had changed the rules of how I lived life and my child essentially said, so what?!
They watched me struggle to be okay with changing and being who God created me to be.
They would be the ones that spoke the most wisdom to me as they said, "Yeah, so what! everyone changes."
They wouldn't let me take the blame that wasn't mine.
For most of my life, I have been asking God questions. In His time, the answers are revealed.
For me, the most longingly and often repeated question is how long?
How long God? How long do I keep forgiving and endure the pain.
How many times do I suffer the same insult/injury over and over? I forgive, I forgive, I forgive. But the pain just keeps coming. I am scared of becoming angry, of becoming bitter. I don't want to be that person.
Over the years,
He taught me to focus on Him.
He taught me to count Joy.
He taught me to give Him each and every thing to be used for His Glory and sometimes He gave me a glimpse of how that was being done.
Then in one of those moments when the pain was just so great, a truth was spoken. The delivery of such truth was raw and unfiltered.
Whether I wanted to admit it or not at the time, that truth is what pushed me into the next season of lessons God had for me. Not until typing this, do I even realize it was lesson one in the next 2 years of discerning character. Because what happened next was the stripping away of all secrets. The covering that hid truth regarding my home had been yanked off and it was scary and hard and hurt. Some chose to look and others chose to look away. Some chose to judge, others chose to ask questions, listen and look deeper than the surface.
God had been teaching me about balance for along time.
Now He in the falling apart of my marriage He was putting me through a boot camp for learning Balance.
But this Bootcamp was designed to teach me His Character. How He handles things. He lifted the words up off the page in His Book and taught me the context in which He had spoken them.
His Word taken at face value can seem contradictory to some.
His words can be repeated by people and be twisted and distorted.
Regardless, it does not mean the words on the page are not true.
Satan did this in the garden with Eve. Satan did it with Jesus when he tempted Him.
Jesus demonstrated how important it was to know God's Word. Not only to know it but to know the character of God and the context in which He spoke to us.
We have to ask Him sometimes to reveal to us the context. We have to ask Him why this set of instructions here, and these instructions over here? It is about balance, motives, purpose, essentially the heart.
In that journey of asking questions, I learned a depth of God's character that a lifetime in church could never teach.
He taught me personal growth is a journey. It doesn't always look pretty. It means loss and a stripping away of all that keeps us from further growth. Sometimes, it is gentle and easy and beautiful. Each part occurs in its own season.
So what changed?
God decided to answer my questions.
There is a saying, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
I kept asking, (almost 20 years of asking) how long? Is there ever a time God when enough is enough and I am sorry doesn't mean I have to do this anymore? He let me keep asking.. waiting till just the right time. The time when He felt I would be the most ready. He knew the answers would have a profound changing effect. Relationships would change. Circumstances would change. So He waited, He waited till other lessons were learned. He waited till all the "players" and "pieces" were ready because He knew when He started answering the questions what would be needed. So He gathered up all that was necessary and He answered my questions while He worked and healed and filled and replaced where He stripped and took away all that needed to go.
His answers involved:
lessons on boundaries, (thank you Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend for your writings)
lessons on repentance and reconciliation, (thank you Leslie Vernick for your writings),
lessons on forgiveness,
lessons on His character and Jesus' experience walking this earth
God pressed pause, and redirected me back to a whole lifetime of lessons:
I can't make everyone happy.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
I have to be able to stand before God when all is done and said.
I need to ask Him, to search me, know my heart and reveal any unclean part to me and cleanse me of all unrighteousness.
God knows. God knows if I know, and He knows if don't know.
God is a gentleman and He doesn't force Himself on anyone.
Don't take on more responsibility than is yours.
Put the responsibility back where it belongs.
AND the hardest one to accept is I can't do it perfectly and even if I did do it all perfectly, it still doesn't mean everyone is going to like it or me.
Most likely, as I start changing and living all these lessons, there is going to be a whole lotta people hating it. Especially, that whole "nonsense" about responsibility.
There's not a whole lot of people who like to take responsibility unless it is going to profit them somehow.
So when I refuse to carry the undesired burden...I am going to probably upset a whole lot of people.
I gotta remember, I can't make everyone happy and I can't rely on others to make me happy.
So love others as I love myself.
Which means I can't truly love others, if I don't love myself and take care of myself.
I have gotta have a self-confidence, self-worth that is rooted in God and lets the hate run off just like water off a duck's back and trust that if I keep my eyes on God, He will take care of the rest.
I changed, my dear child.
I learned I was valuable to God.
I learned He was a gentleman.
I learned He does use our suffering.
But we weren't created to be a doormat.
Suffering happens in this life.
It happens just like the rain happens.
Jesus wasn't a door mat.
He was intentional in His choices and decisions.
His purpose was to bring God Glory.
It wasn't to make others comfortable.
It wasn't to enable sinful behavior.
It sometimes resulted in conflict.
Sometimes it resulted in blessed relationships.
He turned the other cheek when the purpose was to demonstrate the love and forgiveness of God. He confronted and spoke unwelcome truth when the purpose was to admonish and call to repentance.
His actions reflected with who He was interacting.
Was it an unbeliever who needed to understand the love of God?
or
Was it a believer who was blaspheming the name of God by representing God and His character poorly by his actions and/or words?
The difference was do/did they know better because even a believer has some things they don't know yet, lessons not exposed to yet...
It all comes down to balance.
The best way to keep one's balance is stay focused ahead on a central stable point.
So dear child, I changed.
Change is inevitable.
It can be good.
Very good.
While the change that is occuring in our lives is difficult.
I hope that you will come to learn and hold fast to this truth:
Change is good
especially when the change
forces
you to stay steady and balanced by
staying focused
on the
One that NEVER changes
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