Adjusting and Healing in Ways Unexpected

I started this post months ago.
My heart was raw...
It needed to sit for awhile.
I needed to sit for a while.
My head and my heart, they know Truth.  But my flesh, my person still grieves loss still the same.
While in the midst of loss I am able to find much gain and joy, the losses still leave a void and ache.  That void and ache is sometimes compounded by the fact my losses don't affect only me.  It isn't only myself that must face the changes in my abilities or lifestyle but also those closest to me.  Even though I encouraged independence and self-sufficiency, I still did a lot for my family.  As time went by, we noticed more losses as the number of people in our lives dwindled.  Not that they didn't care but we were no longer as active and involved in things as we once were.  Just more loss.
So, I delayed in sharing the following, because I just needed a bit more time to soak in the conversation between my son and I.  So grateful I am, for this memory.  For the healing that allowed this conversation to happen.

January 2016:
My oldest son and I went to my latest appointment together.
We weren't sure how much the testing would affect me.
Since most of his school is online and they have wi-fi, he didn't lose too much from doing his assignments.
He joined us as we went over the preliminary results.

I am so glad bedrooms have doors on them

Seriously, I am so glad there are bedroom doors.
I am grateful for the sanctuary they create.
When I just don't know what else to do....
When there are just no words to be said....
When the emotions are just too big....
When the need for quiet is great...
When trying to not laugh is going to cause me to choke....
there is only one thing left to be said...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM"

Oh the drama!
It is Sunday afternoon.
There are two in my home that are intent on making life interesting.
This sums them up:


I could only hope their drama is this amicablely planned.

Today, I just could not do one more minute.
I either had to babysit their free time or seek sanity for myself.
Sanity won.
I sent them to their own rooms.
For one, the isolation is just more than can be tolerated.
Every excuse imaginable was created for exiting.
Shock at my insistance to remain behind a closed door.
If only he understood it was in his best interest.
I am not feeling well. I am tired and I am in pain.
When all else failed, the next attempt to exit was because "I am thirsty."
The concept of asking if he may get a drink has escaped him.
He just feels entitled.
ENTITLED.
When I point out making a polite request would far improve his chances of getting a drink without experiencing the mom look his flare for the dramatic overwhelmed the household.
FINE.  IF YOU DON'T CARE THAT I WILL DIE OF THIRST,
I. WILL. JUST. DRINK. MY. TEARS.

I. AM. SHUTTING. MY. DOOR. AND. I. AM. GOING. TO. DRINK. MY. TEARS.

If only he knew how hard it was for me to not burst out laughing.
I so wish this child of mine would be willing to join a theater group.
The possibilities for the future are just so great with that kind of creativity and drama!

Passport to Purity by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

The past month we started up on Passport to Purity again.
Ideally, it is done in a weekend.
Parent and child go away and have a special weekend together.

Sometimes life and the schedule are in agreement... sometimes not.

With two of the kids, get aways were possible.
Now with two, that wasn't possible.
I put it off and put it off until child number 4 just isn't getting any younger!

So back in February when we were headed up to Kansas City for a weekend, we started up Passport to Purity again.
We worked through the first 2 CDs as a family during the drive.

The first two CDs address a lot about being able to talk with your parents and peer pressure and friendships. They also encourage young men and women to begin to think about the choices they want to make in the future.  What was great about doing this a family, is getting to hear from the older kids and the perspective they have now several years later.  The younger ones really do look up to and listen to their older siblings, it is a great opportunity for them to hear from someone else other than just me.  Life is just full and busy and sometimes it just doesn't fit into the dinner conversation to talk about some of these topics, so revisiting and introducing the opportunity to think about friends, choices, peer pressure and personal struggles during the car ride was good.

Recently, my (number 4) asked if we could skip youth group one night to work through the next cd.  We did!  We survived and it was good.  We are almost done.  I appreciate getting to listen to the cd while someone else brings up the difficult topics  and explanations.  We listen together.. laugh..roll the eyes and sigh with relief  when cd 3 is complete.  Some things are just not easy to talk about.  But it is so important to do it.  The great thing about Passport to Purity is they do a lot of the difficult talking, (the telling) and I get to bond with my kiddo over how uncomfortable it was to listen to all "that stuff" and just ask and answer questions and chat and listen.

This is our car setup.  The cd player in the car has gobbled up a cd and isn't willing to let it go right now, so we went to plan B.  We have a tape player (in the suburban) + a tape that plugs into our mobile devices.  Our mobile devices then play and it is broadcasted through our car's sound system. Pretty nifty.  In the process, my kids have discovered what a "portable cd player"/Walkman is!! When we went to Wal-mart and were asking about them, the sales guy (a teenager) asked, "You want a boom box?"  No, nothing that big!  Too funny.  Technology today...

Memories I want to savor

It all started with a 4 year old out of the blue saying he wanted to play hockey!
I looked at him and said, you don't even know what hockey is.
To which, he looked me straight and said, yes I do.  He proceeded to tell me all about it.
How did he know about hockey? I did not know.  We were a little bitty family of 5 in Kansas.  Basketball.  Baseball.  Football.  Those were the sports people talked about.  Occassionally swimming, volleyball, golf, etc.  Not hockey.

Apparantly, he flipped channels on the basement tv and came across a hockey game.  He was captivated.  He knew more about hockey at 4 years of age than anyone I knew. Sundays on his way home from church he would announce he was going to watch the hockey game.  The first time he did this, I told him there wasn't a hockey game on tv.  Kansas, mind you.  Hockey wasn't a Kansas thing back then.  He looked at me and said, yes there is.  Very respectfully and serious.  I responded with, "How do you know?"  "Because there is," he said.
Four years old and he didn't know how to read and I tried like the dickens to manage tv time.  But he intuitively knew and he was right!  His fascination did not abate.

Next step was ice skating lessons. I thought that would take some time and we would see how long his interest lasted.

Um yeah, right!?!?

The bedroom shuffle

Life, it happens.  Kids grow up...  Household dynamics change.  The bedroom shuffle happens.
There were 5 under one roof and now there are 4.  One gets a room of his own again, finally! And another gets a room of his own for the first time ever.
But first, rooms have to get dumped, and walls painted...because she wants something different than this blue;

and he wants something different than pink and swirls...

With the possibility of a move in the not so distant future, we have to think about how many times we want to paint.  So after a week of various paint samples taped to walls they chose their favorite white!  (There are a lot of whites out there and some don't look too white-like in various light.)  

My favorite photos...

When all was mostly done and tape was removed there was a little bit of touch up that needed to be done.  The teens got out the little paint brushes.  I couldn't help but think how awful it would have been to paint the two rooms with such a little brush.  The giggles happened.  Things are yet to still be finished.  This has been a two month process.  Purging, emptying and moving.  One more room to still paint. It is amazing how much can be unearthed and decluttered when the bedroom shuffle happens! It definitely would have been better timed in the summer.  Squeezing in between school and our crazy schedule has been a challenge.  Hopefully, we can take some "after" pictures soon.  

5 Down, One to Go ~ Lowes Build and Grow

This summer, my youngest and I have taken on the challenge of completing the Avenger Series at Lowes Build and Grow.  I posted earlier in the summer here.

We just completed the 5th session out of 6 being offered.  We missed session 4, because I did not log in soon enough.  We were extremely blessed though when we showed up this past weekend and learned they had a bunch of extra kits.  I don't even know how the conversation.  It just happened.  God knows, becuase I believe he cares about this guy.  He cares about his interests and likes.  So on week 5, we were able to build project number 4 and 5.  He is doing great!  He is learning a lot of valuable "life skills" in problem solving and working through a challenge.

Girls... They can do anything!! They are girly girly girly through and through!

We hear terms like tomboy, girly girl all the time.  I have 2 girls and 3 boys.  Plus, get this, I am a girl!  My interests are varied and abundant.  Guess what? so are the interests of all my kids!  All of us, we cross the gender lines all the time.  ALL.THE.TIME.
So I don't care much for Tomboy.
Because if you are a girl, you are a girl.  You are girly through and through.  You are a girly girl.  You are allowed to like glitter or not.  You can like pink or blue.  You can like getting in the dirt or wearing white and staying spotless.  You are a girl no matter what.  I love the fact that my girls and I are okay with getting dirty and definitely okay with getting all prettied and fancied up.  We are even allowed to change our mind depending on the moment.  This very moment, I don't feel like sweating or getting dirty and that is okay!  In an hour, I could possibly change my mind just as easily as changing my clothes.  That is life.  There is a time and place for everything!  !  !

Frankly, that is the story for anyone. Boys included. Learning to like variety and try new things and not being fearful of different leads to an adventure-filled fun life.  Seasons change as do opportunities and all you really have is this very present moment.  Best part of all this variety, is we don't know what the future will hold.  We don't know if we will parent all boys or all girls or have both.  As a parent, you gotta meet those blessings right where they are at and embrace the moments.  Variety and varied interests makes you a better friend, parent, family member.

This girl.  I love her dearly!
She has always been a mix of everything.  She likes glitter, lace, flowers, mud, dirt, sports, being active, crocheting, and drawing.  She embraces "contradiction" in styles.  She is exuberant.  I should not have been surprised when she volunteered to learn how to clean fish!
But she did.
Not only that, she stayed up to a crazy hour cleaning fish with her Grandpa!!
Meanwhile, I closed my eyes and listened to their voices, so exhausted I could not follow their conversation but stayed just awake enough to know they were still working.

She baits her own hook, takes the fish off, and then cleans them!
And does it with nail polish on her fingers.
She is ever so grateful this is a profile photo...because she is a girl after all and hadn't had a chance to clean up first. ;)

I took these while she was "teaching" me how to clean fish.

The evening's catch.  Some went to the freezer whole to become bait.  The rest she and Grandpa cleaned and put away for dinner in the future! 

Moments I want to remember and treasure

Getting this guy to read and like it, well I was close to giving up.  I love to read!  Love it.  As a parent with 5 children, I have learned children are fearfully and wonderfully made.  They are unique individuals and a passion for reading is not always passed on to our children.  I endeavor to teach them how to ask questions, how to seek out answers and to desire to keep learning.  I have also wanted them to love delving into a story on pages so deeply, they just don't want to put the book down.  I want them to prefer paper and ink over a remote and brightly colored lights and noise.  This summer, I listed off a series of chores and activities to be done each day.  Chores for the home and self care.  Reading for the soul (Bible time).  Reading for the mind and creativity.  An artistic pursuit, to explore personal creativity.  Until all of these are done, none of them can ask me what we are going to do or if we can go do this or that.  Blessed peace in the morning for a few hours each day!  

New interestes have surfaced as a result.  

It wasn't until I told this kiddo about the Summer Bookit Challenge did he become driven to read. Something about being entered into a drawing for pizza gift cards inspired him.  What he didn't expect was to enjoy reading!  He read and read and read.  He got caught up in the stories.  He was so excited when he finished reading Peter Pan.  My prayer now is that this love for reading continues beyond this summer's challenge.