Change, Balance, Focus words that get talked about a lot...

He sat there on the couch during the therapy session in such misery.
He demanded.
"Why!?!  Why did you change??"

It wasn't the time or place to answer.

It wasn't even the question for the moment.

So many other issues were at hand.  And this was just another question to distract from the problem being addressed.

Yet, the question remains.

At some point, I started asking how do I answer the questions: Why did we get divorced?  How did it come to this?
I have learned the answer and details don't matter so much as what I choose to do each given day.
Yet, taking time to reflect on the journey and the how is important.  What worked and what didn't? What would I do over again and what would I never want to repeat again?

So what changed?

Growing and blooming in the rocky and peaty places

Healing it is happening.
I am learning and growing.  Not surviving but thriving and blooming.

I took a short break while writing this and stepping away, allowed a memory to come to mind. In the early months of my marital separation I was doing a Bible Study.  It wasn't quite what I expected.  God has a way of doing that with me.  In the first lesson, we were challenged to look at the meaning our name(s).
For me, I have never been too impressed with the meaning of my names - purple flower  & bitterness.  But trying to respect the study, I pulled up the search engine and typed in my names.

Yep, there it was purple flower... but something a little bit more.  A purplish flower that blooms in the rocky, peaty places.  Was and am I ever in the rockiest of places.  As for peaty, I looked up that definition, partially decomposed vegetable matter, mostly mosses.  Yep, I was in a decomposing and dead place (my marriage).

My middle name- Yep, still there in the definition is bitter..but before that... Wished-for child.

Wished-for child, that was a first.  I have bought and looked through a lot of baby name books in my life time.  As choosing a name for my children was a significant thing for me... a name was not chosen until I knew the meaning.  Not only were my children named names I liked, but their names needed to have depth and purpose in their meaning.  I had been unimpressed with the meaning of my name since around the fourth grade when a teacher assigned us the task of learning the meaning our names. Then when I asked my mom why I was named my names, the answer was not at all what I expected.  The answer: name of a popular soap opera character, and for the middle name...it was the only name that flowed with my first name.  But what I could do?  Nothing.  At least not till I was old enough to change things.  When I was old enough, it just wasn't worth the trouble.  It wasn't like anyone else cared about the meaning behind names, and changing things would just be difficult and expensive.

But that day staring at the screen, I was being given a gift, being renamed, redefined.  A flower that blooms in the rocky, peaty places and I was a wished-for child.

And now, many months later, God gently reminds me of that day, reminds me of the promise of my name as He renamed me.  Flowers bloom seasonally.  There has been a lot of beneath the surface work, deep down in the roots and this past week, He has let me experience some of the joy in blooming and showing the work He has done.

So what is it He and I have been working on?

I have been learning to stand my ground.  Learning to be strong and not give into self doubt, to stop the tapes in my head before they start playing... to affirm my decisions and not waver.  To question my motives and ask God to show me if my intent, my motives are wrong and do I need to shift my thoughts and attitudes?... To not immediately take more responsibility than is mine to shoulder. All of these have been works in progress.

These weaknesses didn't happen over night.  They have been present for a long time.  They have been strengthened as weaknesses and encouraged by those that love me.  Shocking isn't it?  True.  As shocking as it might or might not be.  Because the reality is we might love someone and we might want them to conquer and overcome some things for their own good, but...  Always the but... But when someone starts to become stronger it affects every relationship.  That isn't always comfortable for the cheerleader.  That cheerleader might be fine with you developing confidence and a voice so long as it doesn't inconvenience the relationship with them... When that happens, the cheerleader just might (and does in some cases) become the loudest and angriest dissenting voice.  The confusion and pain that is felt is profound.  I have walked that road many a time.  It always ended up with me reverting back to questioning myself and self doubt and I must have done something wrong. On and on the cycle would go.  It is extremely difficult when these loud voices and dissenters are family. The very people who are suppose to be for you.  So very difficult.  Others aren't suppose to walk all over me, just them.

Sigh... and so the cycle goes.  It is hard.  It is hard to admit the truth about the people closest to you.  It isn't that you don't love or like them. It is hard because it is hard.  Hard to admit the people closest aren't perfect.  Hard to look at them and say, I don't like this but I like you.  Even harder to say, I don't like this so very much that even though I like you, I can't spend anymore time with you because that is how much I don't like being treated this way.  For someone like me who has the tendency for self-doubt and taking on way more responsibility than is mine to carry, this is really hard.  It is hard because it means there is nothing I can do "more" to be treated better or to change their attitude/behavior towards me.  It isn't about me.  It is more about them and the way they think and perceive the world.  Part of loving others as we love ourselves is learning to say no.  Because letting them treat me poorly without consequence does not help them in the long run.  It is hard because as much as I want someone to get it, to understand, I can't make them.  It is hard to step back and watch them go down in a direction that will inevitably be filled with hardship as the result of choices being made.  Life is hard enough without making it worse as a result of the choices we make.

This past week I have encountered multiple opportunities to press repeat.  I didn't.  I managed to stand strong.  I didn't self-doubt. I didn't take on too much responsibility.  I did it.  I fist pumped and told myself way to go!  AND because it is hard I grieved. BUT I didn't grieve as I have in the past, I grieved because I knew the losses the other side was going to experience.  I grieved for them.  I prayed.  I put them in the hands of God and brushed my hands and knees off and did the next thing because there was nothing more that I could do.  God doesn't need my help.  He can handle it. One day, maybe things will be different.  For now, I am enjoying the freedom of being free from the cycle.  I am grateful for these moments of success.  Praying that when the next time comes around I will be able to press repeat for this pattern, not the old.

Some articles that have helped me tremendously over the past year or two.

This one is very current, oh how I wish it had been written sooner. But I rest in the affirmation and encouragement of what I have been learning.
This one, while I am not fully where she is at, maybe one day.  But acknowledging sometimes in spite of all efforts what is dead is dead.
This one, challenged my committment to marriage.  It is one thing to be commited.  It is another thing to be commited to the point of self-detriment. We are to love others as we love ourselves.

This one and pretty much a whole bunch of articles on this website have provided encouragement and affirmation regarding what forgiveness, repentance and reconciliation looks like.  In addition, to addressing individual's humanity, sin nature in light of Scripture and how it relates to relationships.

Some words of wisdom that have had a profound effect:

"God is a gentleman."  Period.  There are not enough words.  Just camp out on that one for a good long while.  Ask Him to teach the fullness of that sentence to you.  Ask Him daily to show and reveal that one to you.

I wish I could find the article I read, but in summary:  A commitment to marriage does not mean a person now gets to practice being their worst possible self.
Replace marriage with family.. and it applies to any relationship.

Are the choices I am making today going to help me be the person I want to be tomorrow?
or
What I do today is practice for who I will be tomorrow.

If God is perfect.  Then He communicates perfectly.  Satan is known (and so is man) for twisting and distorting the words of God.  Why then am I worried about or suprised by the twisting and distorting of my words?  If people/Satan are willing to do it to the All-Perfect God, then there is no reason to expect it not to happen to me.  (haters, going to hate... twisters are going to twist... ) I just do the best I can and leave the rest to God.  The twisting and distorting of my words is not a reflection of me but of the person who is doing it.  There are plenty of people who do understand my words and heart.

Truth will be revealed.  God doesn't need my help.  He will equip me in His own time in His strength and give me words if I need them.

It is that resting in Him, trusting in Him, waiting on Him that is so healing.  He is faithful.

Boundaries.... Just a little aha moment in the learning process

Epiphany moment.  

In light of recent events. 

I have come to experience these words used in a very ugly way. 

Sometimes people throw these words around because they are uncomfortable 

with the consequences of their own actions. 

They are trying to use these words to turn responsiblity and blame onto the other person. 

So on this particular day as boundaries are being worked out and implemented. 

A day when someone is angry and very upset. 

A day when the fingers are pointing back at me. 

A day when I am reminding myself, I have done nothing wrong.
A day when this quote popping up on my screen could have me in tears...

Second guessing myself 

Wondering if I am not being loving enough?
Wondering if I am not being Jesus-y enough?
Before the thoughts could start, a different set started rolling... 

Amen and Praise Jesus, because healing is happening!!! 

When and if this ever happens it is important to remember:

Things I am learning: Boundaries

I shared here and here what I have been learning about judgements, discernment and If God's word is True, then how does it apply to this...

Sometimes, as we begin to work on things with God and seek Him, bigger things get revealed.
Change often has a ripple effect.
Sometimes those ripples end up feeling like a tsunami.
The waves created can be overwhelming.

Being sinful beings, we all have some bad habits.  Sometimes we like to do the comparison game and say, well this behavior isn't this... or everyone does it....  Maybe so, but it doesn't make it a good habit.  Just sometimes our bad habits are more easily acceptable because to not accept it in another, means then maybe we would have to do something about it in our personal life and well that gets a little uncomfortable.  If someone actually has the crazy notion to start making changes in their life, well then it just gets uncomfortable sometimes to be around them.  Conflict increases.  Next thing you know, this ripple effect is like the decision to clean a rug.  You lift and roll the carpet up to take it outside and you end up seeing all the dust, debris and dirt underneath and maybe some of the flooring is rotting and needs replacing.  That little project just became an expensive remodel.

Things I am learning: If I am not to judge then what...

I have been in a season of hard.
Hard seasons can result in some serious growth and learning though.
As I began to search out things in Scripture and learn one new thing it often resulted in the following question: "If I believe this is true, then... what about this?  How does it apply here?"

As I shared here, I was seeking out what does it mean to judge.  "Judge not" was something I was hearing a lot of and it was confusing because as I said we all make judgments every day.  Into this word family of "Judge" we could add, assumptions and jumping to conclusions.  Everyday we use our experiences, knowledge, perceptions to make decisions.  We wake up, we look outside to see if the sun is out or is it gray, cloudy and rainy.  Then we decide what to wear or our mode of transportation.  We evaluate countenances, expressions, the presence of tears or smiles, the inflection of a voice, loudness of a voice, to make decisions.  We make judgments about relationships, is this relationship good for me?  When this is done, it hurts, I don't like it...  So how did all this mesh, because if I believe God's word is true and He doesn't contradict Himself, then how does all of this work together?

Things I am learning : Judge not

Matthew 7:1-2  Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2“For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.

 That simple statement gets quoted and misquoted so much.  It makes me cringe to hear it.  But what does judge/judging mean?

Life seemed so black and white when I was oh.so.much.younger.  There was right and there was wrong.  As the years passed and I added experience upon experience, the quotes and proverbs and Proverbs began to take on a meaning much deeper.  

I have learned:

Only God can see our hearts. Only God can truly KNOW our motives.  Sometimes even we can be blinded by our motives.  We can package them up and they look good.  It is so important to ask, what is my motive?  What is it that I hope to accomplish by...
Jeremiah puts it well, chapter 17 verse 9
"The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?  

and

"None of us can stand other people having the same faults as ourselves." (Oscar Wilde)

"it is easier to see other people's faults—than our own." (J.R. Miller)