Change, Balance, Focus words that get talked about a lot...

He sat there on the couch during the therapy session in such misery.
He demanded.
"Why!?!  Why did you change??"

It wasn't the time or place to answer.

It wasn't even the question for the moment.

So many other issues were at hand.  And this was just another question to distract from the problem being addressed.

Yet, the question remains.

At some point, I started asking how do I answer the questions: Why did we get divorced?  How did it come to this?
I have learned the answer and details don't matter so much as what I choose to do each given day.
Yet, taking time to reflect on the journey and the how is important.  What worked and what didn't? What would I do over again and what would I never want to repeat again?

So what changed?

Adjusting and Healing in Ways Unexpected

I started this post months ago.
My heart was raw...
It needed to sit for awhile.
I needed to sit for a while.
My head and my heart, they know Truth.  But my flesh, my person still grieves loss still the same.
While in the midst of loss I am able to find much gain and joy, the losses still leave a void and ache.  That void and ache is sometimes compounded by the fact my losses don't affect only me.  It isn't only myself that must face the changes in my abilities or lifestyle but also those closest to me.  Even though I encouraged independence and self-sufficiency, I still did a lot for my family.  As time went by, we noticed more losses as the number of people in our lives dwindled.  Not that they didn't care but we were no longer as active and involved in things as we once were.  Just more loss.
So, I delayed in sharing the following, because I just needed a bit more time to soak in the conversation between my son and I.  So grateful I am, for this memory.  For the healing that allowed this conversation to happen.

January 2016:
My oldest son and I went to my latest appointment together.
We weren't sure how much the testing would affect me.
Since most of his school is online and they have wi-fi, he didn't lose too much from doing his assignments.
He joined us as we went over the preliminary results.

4 ingredients for each day to be a success

I love finding old notes laying around.
Tonight, I found this one:

4 ingredients for each day to be a success:
1. Gratitude
2. Kindness/Love
3. Learning
4. Work Ethic

Oh the memories.
I had been chatting with the kids about what makes a day successful.
What would be the four most important things to have in each day.

To find something in the day to be thankful for.
To demonstrate love and kindness to someone AND to receive love and kindness from someone.
The second part can be tricky, because sometimes it is more about perception.. sometimes love and kindness is being demonstrated all day long, it just doesn't look like what we are expecting.
To learn something.
To work and do it to the best of your ability that day.

Even on the worst of days. The sickest of days.  All four of these are possible.  Because the idea is based on what you are capable of that day. Not based on what you were able to do yesterday or a month ago or will be able to do in a week.  Just today.  

So proud of this guy!

He worked hard for just under 2 weeks.  

The drama!  The tears! The frustration!  

Perseverance... 

A steadfast Momma (Some would say stubborn).... 

Encouraging siblings... 

Perspective shared... 

Dismay and Discouragement were challenged and chased away... 

And then VICTORY! 

A little bit of kitty love in the sunshine and gentle reminders from God...

This guy;

speaks to my heart so much sometimes. 

We laugh when we say he is emotionally constipated.  And when we say he is an emotional eater.  

He is quirky.  And aren't we all? 

He has his own emotional need issues, and don't we all?  

When the blank after Projected Outcome is left blank...

Earlier this year, found me in  a doctor's office.  Going through more tests.  More evaluations. Trying to not get my hopes up.  

Oh, the twists and turns which had brought me to that moment in that chair.  Listening to the medical providers explain test results.   In the process of explaining, they verbalized what I was experiencing and couldn't explain. They did it so beautifully. The relief that I felt.  The joy. The comfort. And oh the tears that flowed later.  To be known.  To be understood. To not have to explain.  Just a taste of what it is like with God, my Father.  He loves me, He understands. I don't have to have words.  He knows.  For a brief moment, while I sat in that chair, I experienced a comfort and peace in knowing He was leading and providing for me.

So when all the explaining was done, what to do about the problem needed to be talked about.  They had a plan.  There were things that could be done.  BUT..
But... I am pretty used to the word but...

But in my case they could offer no guarantees.  When a brain is injured and damaged, there are no guarantees.  The brain is a mystery.  Damaged parts stay damaged. New pathways have to be created.  How those pathways form or if they would form was a question no one could answer or predict.  They would be willing to work with me.  They had worked with a number of people who had suffered brain injuries and strokes. They were familiar with the struggles. They had experienced success stories.  They just couldn't offer a projected outcome.

He goes before Me, He is always with me, and He has my back PART 2

I had to have a sit down.  I had to breathe.  I had to thank God for His mighty protection and His peace.  I knew in my heart something bad had happened that day I smelled something "funny."  I recognized the "strange" and yet familiar sense of peace that enveloped me.  The same peace I experience 16 years ago as I lay in a hospital bed listening to doctors and medical staff begin the process of bringing my son into the world while trying to save both of our lives.  A peace beyond explanation but knowing He is there and with me and not going to leave me.

The fire that happened and put itself out because the blower in the dryer "broke" and moisture filled the inside of the dryer.  The stubborn tunnel vision of trying to get the dryer open to clean the lint out leading to the video that provided me the information that the dryer was broken and repairable (otherwise I might have just bought a new one...)  The fatigue that forced me to rest for a couple of days till I was prompted to call my friend.  The firm assurance by individuals that fixing was better than replacing. Trusting God and the counsel He was providing.  Repairs made, that led to other questions and "fatherly" concern and suggestions.   God was there in the midst of it all, directing my steps and questions and protecting us all the while.

Proud to be learning!

One of the greatest lessons taught in our homeschooling is learning is constant.
Sometimes I learned it once and never used it and then I get to re-learn so I can teach it.
Learning to teach is a whole new level of learning.

It happens in more subjects of life than just Algebra, History, English, Geometry and Science.

In the last year, I have learned a lot.
I decided to start taking an inventory of the lessons I have learned:

• to extend grace to myself.  A lesson I revisit a lot.
• being 'broken' is not all bad, God gets to shine more through all the cracks that exist.
• to function in my kitchen and home differently, so I can complete tasks more efficiently.
• to fix a toilet.
• how to unclog a sink.
• how to wipe a hard drive clean and reload it
• how to install a dishwasher.
• how to take my dryer apart.
• to establish boundaries and to more than survive the push back that happens.
• how to replace light bulbs for my car's headlights.

He goes before Me, He is always with me, and He has my back PART 1

Isaish 52:2

But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the LORD will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard.

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

This week God has reaffirmed these words over and over to me and my children.  

Way back in 2003, I took advantage of an opportunity the local fire department was providing the community.  A firefighter came to my home, did fire safety education with my children.  Taught them what to do specifically if our home caught fire.  Then, he did a safety inspection.  The list was suprising.  Especially, considering one of my fears was not being able to get to my children in the event of fire because we have a split bedroom floorplan.  

It was disappointing when I shared the list and it wasn't received with the same concern I was experiencing.  To appease my concern, an effort was made to at least blow out the dryer exhaust/lint tube whenever I experienced longer dryer times for the laundry.  In case, anyone else is asking... yes, I clean the lint trap of my dryer regularly.  EVERY time the dryer is used.  Like I said a house fire has always been one of those fears that crop up in my heart.  I take the thoughts captive.  I pray.  I refuse to let it control me, instead I try to do what is needed to make my home safer.   

Almost 2 weeks ago, there was a strange smell as the kids and I did laundry.  Deep in my heart I thought it smelled slightly of smoke.  I just didn't want to alarm the kids.  I, also, just didn't want to go there.  Dreading the possibility of dryer needing to be replaced or costly repairs.  So my son and I moved the dryer and the vent was blown out as in the past. But nothing really came out and that was to be expected.  We had recently tried to blow it out.  I have known several women who have repaired their dryers on their own.  A friend recently shared with me, it never hurts to start a project and call for help if you find yourself in over your head.  The initial breakdown is done and it could save on labor (which could be a bonus).  So armed with You Tube, tools and optimsim I began the process of opening up the back of my dryer. 

Science Experiments & Rose Cuttings that Grow Reassurance and Hope

Our latest science experiment.  My 6th grader has an experiment this month. To take a cutting and put in water to grow roots...  The suggested plant cutting was from a rose bush.  I had been curious in the past how rose bushes came to be because I knew they were not planted from seed.  I had seen educational type shows about grafting and growing a new "breed" of rose.  So I did some research online about it and sure enough the suggestion was to vut about 6 inches from an existing rose bush and plant....

Of course, that peaked my interest and I couldn't just follow the directions given in the science experiment!  My imagination and interest peeked we headed for the garage.  Which of course led to a bit of "minor" cleaning considering it is a garage and all... found a bag of potting soil, flower pots bought for another project never done, and we went to town.  In the bottom left corner, one "stick" has yellow yarn.  The only cutting from our transplanted/moved yellow bush.  The rest are all from one red rose bush.  

This particular project took me down memory lane.  Caused some thinking...

Change

Life changes, and thus a 

New vocabulary. 

Limitations. 

Disability. 

Deficits. 

Aphasia.  

Breathe.

Pacing. 

Margin.

Resting.

Balance.

Acceptance.

Perseverance.

Boundaries

Stopping

Enough

Reduce

Think

Grace

Patience

Kindness

Gentleness

Compassion

Understanding

With changes in life...come other changes.  Sometimes a change in perspective is required.  Other times it is a change in vocabulary.  Or even changes in thought patterns is necessary.  Change is constant.  Change is always good... if you are willing to allow it to grow you and make you a better person.  Change is NOT always easy, or pleasant, or welcome....  But it is a constant... How we embrace it can determine if we are to become bitter or better.  Great thing about change, it is always changing... so can we.  We can start down one path and at anytime recognize we need to make a change... 

What I am learning!! Fish Fry!!

My youngest daughter, who isn't all that little anymore. She is 14, sniff, sniff...

For her birthday, she wanted fish.  This summer she discovered she liked fish.  The real kind.  Not the fish that comes in a stick in a box in the freezer section.  I bought some on sale tilapia one day and fixed it for dinner and she just about fell out of her seat because she liked it so much.  She was only eating it because she was hungry and it was dinner... So she was astounded that she liked fish.

We have been fishing this summer, and we weren't sure if there would be enough so we supplemented from the grocery store...   Catfish, Tilapia and whatever else we had caught.
I pulled out the cookbook, found a breading recipe and jumped in with both feet.
I didn't stop there, but I determined I would learn how to make hush puppies.

It was a success!  I didn't burn anything.  Hush Puppies were gobbled up.  I received a generous compliment from the Grandpa regarding Hush Puppies.  I wasn't expecting much my first time round.  I had never filled a pot with oil before and fried anything.  So my biggest concern is I would ruin dinner and eating out would be the story.  

If only, you knew the struggles I have had with cooking over the last year.  This was a feather in my hat success.  I even cooked some potatoes wedges and onion rings/slices for my girl.  The kids were astounded...real french fries!  

3 hours later... everyone was full, happy and ready to lounge...  

Success and Happiness all around. 

(pictures courtesy of my daughter... I was too busy cooking and they were eating it as soon as it was being set on the plate)

Hard Hearts, God, Bible, Divorce and Legalism

I am not a pastor, theologian or preacher by any means. I am someone who has been camping out with God a lot more than usual these days asking God some really tough questions. Sometimes experience is the best teacher.

 
If I believe Your Word is True...
If I believe You, God, are who You say You are...
If I believe everything I have taught my children is true...
Then how does it all apply to this moment..these moments in my life right now.

This moment, these moments are in the midst of a difficult marriage, difficult life experiences. 

Things I am learning: Boundaries

I shared here and here what I have been learning about judgements, discernment and If God's word is True, then how does it apply to this...

Sometimes, as we begin to work on things with God and seek Him, bigger things get revealed.
Change often has a ripple effect.
Sometimes those ripples end up feeling like a tsunami.
The waves created can be overwhelming.

Being sinful beings, we all have some bad habits.  Sometimes we like to do the comparison game and say, well this behavior isn't this... or everyone does it....  Maybe so, but it doesn't make it a good habit.  Just sometimes our bad habits are more easily acceptable because to not accept it in another, means then maybe we would have to do something about it in our personal life and well that gets a little uncomfortable.  If someone actually has the crazy notion to start making changes in their life, well then it just gets uncomfortable sometimes to be around them.  Conflict increases.  Next thing you know, this ripple effect is like the decision to clean a rug.  You lift and roll the carpet up to take it outside and you end up seeing all the dust, debris and dirt underneath and maybe some of the flooring is rotting and needs replacing.  That little project just became an expensive remodel.

Things I am learning: If I am not to judge then what...

I have been in a season of hard.
Hard seasons can result in some serious growth and learning though.
As I began to search out things in Scripture and learn one new thing it often resulted in the following question: "If I believe this is true, then... what about this?  How does it apply here?"

As I shared here, I was seeking out what does it mean to judge.  "Judge not" was something I was hearing a lot of and it was confusing because as I said we all make judgments every day.  Into this word family of "Judge" we could add, assumptions and jumping to conclusions.  Everyday we use our experiences, knowledge, perceptions to make decisions.  We wake up, we look outside to see if the sun is out or is it gray, cloudy and rainy.  Then we decide what to wear or our mode of transportation.  We evaluate countenances, expressions, the presence of tears or smiles, the inflection of a voice, loudness of a voice, to make decisions.  We make judgments about relationships, is this relationship good for me?  When this is done, it hurts, I don't like it...  So how did all this mesh, because if I believe God's word is true and He doesn't contradict Himself, then how does all of this work together?

Things I am learning : Judge not

Matthew 7:1-2  Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2“For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.

 That simple statement gets quoted and misquoted so much.  It makes me cringe to hear it.  But what does judge/judging mean?

Life seemed so black and white when I was oh.so.much.younger.  There was right and there was wrong.  As the years passed and I added experience upon experience, the quotes and proverbs and Proverbs began to take on a meaning much deeper.  

I have learned:

Only God can see our hearts. Only God can truly KNOW our motives.  Sometimes even we can be blinded by our motives.  We can package them up and they look good.  It is so important to ask, what is my motive?  What is it that I hope to accomplish by...
Jeremiah puts it well, chapter 17 verse 9
"The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?  

and

"None of us can stand other people having the same faults as ourselves." (Oscar Wilde)

"it is easier to see other people's faults—than our own." (J.R. Miller)

This summer we are learning new habits

IThis summer has been full of new things.
Learning to shop CVS and make use of ECB.
Learning to live under new family dynamics.
Learning to create new habits.
New habits has been a huge one.
It is challenging and demanding of time, energy and thoughts.
This is my first summer vacation in 13 years.
Yep, 13 years!