Holding on to the Joy ~ April

In this season of hard.  There are many blessings in the midst of the mess.
A kitty that plops on a lap top and snuggles.  Something about pets...they are just able to sense when we need that extra bit of affection.  Gifts from our Heavenly Father.  They are never too busy or consumed with life and this world.

Facebook posts that tickle the funny bone and speak to the craziness of this moment in life! 

Unexpected sites when turning a corner and heading home.  The joy this produced.  We literally turned around and took way too many pictures because it was just that awesome and cheerful and fun during an oh so difficult moment.  This bit of cheeriness wiped away heart wrenching and breaking tears.  

A gift from my youngest girl... reached down deep into my soul and heart.  When she told the story, I couldn't help but cry because the story made it all the more precious.  Simple joys that bring such love and joy that the darkness of the hard just gets chased away.

Adjusting and Healing in Ways Unexpected

I started this post months ago.
My heart was raw...
It needed to sit for awhile.
I needed to sit for a while.
My head and my heart, they know Truth.  But my flesh, my person still grieves loss still the same.
While in the midst of loss I am able to find much gain and joy, the losses still leave a void and ache.  That void and ache is sometimes compounded by the fact my losses don't affect only me.  It isn't only myself that must face the changes in my abilities or lifestyle but also those closest to me.  Even though I encouraged independence and self-sufficiency, I still did a lot for my family.  As time went by, we noticed more losses as the number of people in our lives dwindled.  Not that they didn't care but we were no longer as active and involved in things as we once were.  Just more loss.
So, I delayed in sharing the following, because I just needed a bit more time to soak in the conversation between my son and I.  So grateful I am, for this memory.  For the healing that allowed this conversation to happen.

January 2016:
My oldest son and I went to my latest appointment together.
We weren't sure how much the testing would affect me.
Since most of his school is online and they have wi-fi, he didn't lose too much from doing his assignments.
He joined us as we went over the preliminary results.

CVS ~ Free tooth paste plus overage

CVS is printing out $2 off Colgate toothpaste from its Red Machine.
There is a manufacturer coupon for $2 off Colgate Daily Repair.
The Colgate Daily Repair is $3.49.
Free +  $0.51 in overage.

A quick inexpensive deal would be to get the $.99 Cadbury Egg.  Purchase one and receive .99ECB for next purchase.

My $5 gift card to Starbucks came ~ joy, joy, joy!!

Last month I posted about an email I received from Starbucks.  I was asked to complete a survey, in exchange I would receive a $5 gift card.  For less than 5 minutes of my time.
Well it came !!   Thank you Starbucks!!  I am looking forward to my next treat.

Earasers!!

They came!  They fit!!
I discovered these over a year ago and they were a game changer.
I have issues with my auditory processing as the result of a car accident/concussion.
Too much noise and I struggle.
Struggle. A. Lot.
After joining a few online groups and discovering I was not alone in this, someone mentioned giving these a try.
Game changer.  My kids have noticed a huge improvement.
I am back to experiencing more of life.

I orginally bought size small but sometime late last year, they were not fitting me well.  They seemed to go a bit deeper in my ear.  Something seemed off.  It took me a while to just sit down and order new ones.  I took a chance and ordered the next size up and what a difference! The fit is better.  When the fit is better so is the noise blocking capabilities.  

Memories I want to savor

It all started with a 4 year old out of the blue saying he wanted to play hockey!
I looked at him and said, you don't even know what hockey is.
To which, he looked me straight and said, yes I do.  He proceeded to tell me all about it.
How did he know about hockey? I did not know.  We were a little bitty family of 5 in Kansas.  Basketball.  Baseball.  Football.  Those were the sports people talked about.  Occassionally swimming, volleyball, golf, etc.  Not hockey.

Apparantly, he flipped channels on the basement tv and came across a hockey game.  He was captivated.  He knew more about hockey at 4 years of age than anyone I knew. Sundays on his way home from church he would announce he was going to watch the hockey game.  The first time he did this, I told him there wasn't a hockey game on tv.  Kansas, mind you.  Hockey wasn't a Kansas thing back then.  He looked at me and said, yes there is.  Very respectfully and serious.  I responded with, "How do you know?"  "Because there is," he said.
Four years old and he didn't know how to read and I tried like the dickens to manage tv time.  But he intuitively knew and he was right!  His fascination did not abate.

Next step was ice skating lessons. I thought that would take some time and we would see how long his interest lasted.

Um yeah, right!?!?

Checking out my hearing and speech... new stuff on the horizon!

I am so super excited!
Just before the holidays, I received a recommendation to contact a speech center here in town.
They aren't very well known, at least to my medical providers.
A frustration all within itself.  But I keep reminding myself God's timing is perfect and to trust in His timing.

Today, my first appointment.
I had spoken to them on the phone.
Kind people.  Compassionate people.
Again no promises.
Vision therapy has gone as far as it can for now.
My vision issues can continue to get better on their own and I have exercises to continue and one more follow up appointment.
However, I am still slow and the thought is it is an issue with processing.
I have testing results that concur.
So... I called.
Because insurance is the way it is.
They must have tests to prove I can hear and I don't have a hearing problem, that is what we did today.
Perfectly good hearing!  In all the normal ranges.

One of the best parts about today, is what I would normally shed tears over.
Life has been rough the last couple of weeks.  Worn down and exhausted, by the time I was called for testing, my speech was declining and just short of a train wreck.
God's timing is perfect.  He knew how life was going to roll.  He knew I would struggle.
He provided the perfect opening in the schedules for this appointment to happen.
Those doing my hearing tests heard my speech.
The speech specialist I spoke to on the phone came by to introduce herself.
She was able to hear my speech.
The best part was no one was alarmed or upset.
They weren't frustrated or angry.
They didn't talk down to me.
Didn't get frustrated.
They were kind and interested and encouraging.
What triggers?  What helps?
Explaining, I live life in such a way to minimize issues as much as possible, but I can't prevent sick kids, crazy upside down days or weeks or noisy stores.
It was so good to have my speech problems in a setting where I just might be able to find help.

Something New and Old and Precious.. Much to be grateful for!

I tried something new!
Not necessarily new new, but new to me since the accident!
So incredibly proud of myself.

The singles group at church had a bowling night.
I don't do too well in loud and noisy places.
But with my Ear-asers, I can normally enjoy myself for a little longer.
These ear plugs are amazing!

Before going, I had already decided I would just hang out and visit and cheer everyone on.
I had had a leisurely morning, but the afternoon, early evening hours had been challenging.
So off I went.
I just wasn't prepared with a sudden burst o discontent.
I wanted to "play," I didn't want to just sit and watch.
When I found out I could pay for just one game...
I decided what did I have to lose if I couldn't finish?
Then I was like, what if I fall?
What do I have to lose? My pride...
Well, I have lost that pretty much already.. so why not!
With a quick prayer that I wouldn't fall and encouragement from friends...
I bowled.

I did it!
8 frames in, I was tired.

Zone perfect deals!!

I love smart phones!  Especially when shopping.  They are perfect for quickly documenting a price, a memory and sharing an exciting deal with a friend.

So when I was grocery shopping and grabbing snack/protein bars for my hockey player to have on hand I was particularly happy to see the the following shelf price to pair with my $1/2 coupon.  Oh, happy dance!

My friend who enjoys this brand as well, was impressed and happy for me but within days, I received the following text! 

What an amazing score!! Her deal completely squashed mine!  I was only able to get single bars but she got into boxes!! Woohoo.  I wish I could say I managed to get to the store and score her deal but I didn't.  Love, love having couponing / deal seeking friends to share fabulous scores and victories with! 

Joy Dare 2016

For several years now I have been doing the Joy Dare.

Some days, I follow the daily challenges.

Other days, I just journal the gifts as God provides. 

But journaling and counting the many blessings God gifts me with is a huge blessing.

It helps me keep my focus on Him and beyond my circumstances.

 

Not that I do it perfectly. 

Not that I don't get overwhelmed by the hard in life,

because I do.

But these journals... they remind me of His love, His faithfulness, His mercies.

He is gifting us treasures minute by minute if only we choose to See and Acknowledge them..

The cooling wisp of a breeze on a hot day,

the heart shaped cloud,

the tulips blooming on just that day I am sitting in my car waiting and I see them...

Glimpses of beauty, sweetness,

little "memos" of His love

perfectly placed for me to discover at that moment.

 

So on the hard days, I can look back. 

On the hard days, I look close.

I journal. 

On the good days, I journal.

As the days go by, the number gets larger.

At the end of year I have over 1,000 gifts.

Over 1,000 memories of love shown to me by

my Everlasting, Heavenly Father. 

And yet, I know there were far more than that,
I just couldn't journal them all.

This past month, I made some journals as gifts.

I had paper.  I had ink in the printer.
I had the binding supplies.
I got busy.

 I had some coloring books I had downloaded.
Found a free journaling template to download.

I have been sharing the books with those that would like one.

They are the size of an 8.5x11 piece of paper.

I found the printable here

found this free printable here

These coloring pages are from here.

The book was available for free for a while. 
Now I think it is a 1.99

Mail box freebies ~ Happy Suprises!

I love free samples!  

I love getting them in the mail. 

Often times I sign up for them and then forget. 

Which is perfect, because who doesn't love a perfectly wonderfully good suprise.

Especially in the mailbox.
Something delightful instead of bills. 

My children love it too. 

These created quite the stir. 

My coffee loving daughter was quick to let me know she knew how to convert

those k-cups into perfect cups of delicious-ness, 

since we don't own a keurig. 

The question I have is, 

will I get even a taste before they are gone?

My carmel loving son, just about melted when he saw the salted carmel flavor. 

Thank you Starbucks for the smile in our mailbox! 

Treasured joys and memories from the Holiday Season

Gratitude leads to Joy

A truth, I hope my children allow to sink deep into their souls.

Love setting up the Nativity. 

A Christmas gift from my mom many years ago.

For the first time ever I have an angel for the top of my tree! 

She is beautiful. 

My children noticed her immediately, which surprised me greatly.

First words out of their mouths when they walked in the door,

"You got an angel!"

They knew I had been looking, but I never told them I found one. 

This journal ~ an unexpected gift that brought me to tears. 
An difficult day, a friend delivered a wrapped gift for now or later.
I tucked it away under the tree. 

She had no idea, this simple journal I had passed over time and time again. 
Always something else on the list that received priority. 

But God knew..

Oh, how the tears flowed on Christmas morning. 

God is in the details and timing and He loves us so.

Capable but slow!

As this year is ending, I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude for the way God directed my path.  Last holiday season, I learned of vision therapy services that could help.  No promises, just a maybe.

I have done a lot of testing over the last couple of months.  Initially when the testing started there were some pretty low scores.  My latest scores were a mixed bag of low and astonishingly high and improved.  

It isn't the numbers so much, but what the numbers reveal.  

These wonderfully kind people don't just focus on the numbers. 

So as we reviewed the scores, I heard and received the most encouraging words.  

These scores show, "You are capable, just slow."

I am slower, much slower than I used to be.  It is exceedingly frustrating.  But I am learning, trying to learn to be content.  But what did my heart good was to hear I was capable.  Sometimes in slowness, efficiency becomes an issue.  I have questioned what I have to offer if all the things I used to be good at, I am not good at anymore?   What can I do?  

Add on top of it all, that there is a divorce happening, all sorts of questions about self worth and acceptance and the future just roll around in one's heart, mind and soul.  

But this office of people, they are good and kind.  

They see the struggle.  

They can even measure it. 

They see potential and capability. 

They accept. 

My latest appointment was to announce, I have graduated.  I am moving into monthly appointments and then will be released from therapy!  I am "passing" where I need to improve.  I have to admit there was some anxiety, because even the vision issues are still variable.  Not as much, but still... So the doctor and I talked.  Variability, it is there to stay. I will have to do what I need to do to take care of myself and thus limit variability and then accept when life goes awry and adjust.  Maybe one day as the brain heals and develops new pathways there will be less variability.  But the anxiety was still there.  I asked him about our last conversation when he stated if I could reach a certain "percentage" then there would be a hope that  I would be "average in functioning".  Related to my concerns about divorce, eventually needing to work, medical prognosis of another doctor and just general concerns and worries.  If I am slow and not "good" at what I used to be "good" at then what?  Bless this man's heart... I believe God just entered the room that moment and spoke through him.  

"Knowing what I know about you, as an employer, I would expect it would take you longer to learn (train) things.  I would expect you might be more forgetful and need reminders and make more mistakes. If I didn't know any of this about you, I might not realize there was an underlying condition at all. I might wonder why you can't remember or why you keep making mistakes and why you haven't learned it yet, but I have experienced this with other people."  His compassion and kindness just overwhelmed me.  You see I have been asking these kind of questions for a while.  His words that he chose at that moment communicated acceptance and hope.  

Then the doctor took on a father/uncle type demeanor and gave me some firm advice and instructions about the future and different options I should look into and consider.  Then he provided me with details regarding therapy with speech and language pathologists that could benefit my vision and speech. (This bit of hope was so important, especially since my speech is a huge concern about what kind of job I can have when my speech is variable.)  Then he said, "Merry Christmas and see you at your next appointment!"

The demeanors of my care providers are unique and greatly varied.  While all of them are honest, some are more able to present facts in a way truth is acknowledged but encouragement and hope is also offered.  

Another week with more good news and progress being made!

Another week, another therapy session and more evaluating done.
This time I completed 4 timed activities.
Improvements on all 4!
Oh joy of joys.
Especially, since I went in tired and struggling.
The very first one, my eyes and brain were struggling it out.  It was hard work.  The frustrating thing is I know the "old me" wouldn't have struggled or thought it was hard at all.  At first there was a concern about doing it on a day when I felt "off."  But I wanted to know how I would do on a bad or semi-bad day, not just on a good day.
So we proceeded.
That first "test."  I improved my score.  I really improved my score.
I struggled through it.  I was able to explain to her what was hard and she referenced other test scores and said it completely made sense.  Regardless, I improved.  Significantly, amazingly, exceedingly beyond imagination improvement.  I could only smile and cup my hands over my tears.  The joy.  The inner fist pumping in my heart.  Tears not yet spilling.  My therapist was ecstatic she could not wait to score my efforts.  It was a "see how much you can do in this many minutes" evaluation... I doubled my efforts!  Huge!
So onto the next 3 evaluations.  They involved reading aloud.  Immediately, I knew it went better.  Even though I could tell my eyes were working hard, I wasn't struggling to read aloud (say the numbers) as I have in the past.  Speaking can be such a challenge sometimes.  I knew my times had improved.  I will get my scores next week.  My times were fast enough to get me on the chart my therapist believed.  I have been less than 1% each time tested but with faster times.  It looks like, I have made it to the "Top 100" chart this week.  May not be passing yet, but improving.  I will take it and celebrate it.  Looking forward to next week.
I started writing down times to refer to on days when I am feeling discouraged.  Just a reminder things are moving along in the right direction.
My therapist was concerned to tell me that I wasn't "passing" yet.

Counting joy and reflecting on the past week

I have been reflecting on my accomplishments this past week.

I traveled this weekend with my kids.  I had minimal bumps along the way.  The kids have been great.  They have been walking this road with me and learning right along with me.  As time passes, there are fewer and smaller bumps.

We have all learned to respect my limitations and live with "pacing" ourselves/me.  That means the trip was "quieter" than past trips.  Relaxing.  If I overdo, then I am down for who knows how long.  We have been learning to say no for the short term so in the long term and big picture it is only a little no, and more yeses.  (For instance, I may need to say no to a 30 minute run to the store, so I can rest.  Rested means I will be able "to do" the next 4 hours.)  It is frustrating.  I like being able 'to do'.  I remind myself regularly though it doesn't hurt the kids to hear "no,"and to do without.  "No" sometimes teaches creativity, contentment, compassion, and consideration.

Along with traveling, we were able to visit and connect with old friends/acquaintances.  Life just has a way of happening and interfering with moments to just sit and visit.  Or if you are a kid, to run and play and be silly with other kids. .

I managed to cook dinner Sunday with minimal intervention and help from them.  Their help was only needed because I was up to my wrists in bread dough and then I cut myself.  In spite of it all, dinner was made in 35 minutes.  This is huge in our house.  I have done a lot of relearning in the last year.  Cooking has been an issue but it is getting easier.  Monday night, I had another dinner success and score in the kitchen!!  So incredibly grateful for the Holy Spirit prompts and nudges that help me get through each day.

Laundry is caught up.  The dryer issues have all been resolved.

The dishwasher issues are almost completed.

Winterizing projects for the house are underway!

School lessons are getting done.  Some of the lessons are definitely God orchestrated because there is no other way to explain how they perfectly tie into what is happening in our own little personal world.  God is just so amazingly gentle and kind, going before us in this manner.

There is a plan for the remaining house chores.

More good news ~

After my last post about test results, I worked up my courage to share with my therapists.  I told them how much I appreciated hearing the test results and having them compared to when I started.  I told them I had been struggling with discouragement and just wondering how things were going.  Even though I had a few tangible "new" abilities it is sometimes difficult to notice improvements when the changes occur gradually.
Bless her beautiful heart, she told me she just had another client tell her the same thing and she took her through her chart and showed her the improvements.
So we sped through the process of getting my next week planned out and she opened the notebook.

Just that day, I did a task I had not done in months.  When I first attempted it, I was far from passing. Last Tuesday, I was still not passing, but I was so much closer that the idea of passing is conceivable!
Over and over again she showed me my initial scores.  They were so low.  She showed me over and over how I improved.  My first week few weeks she told me they had to make so many modifications to just the basic exercises.  She had never experienced a need to do this in all her years working in vision therapy.  Never.  Last Tuesday, they gave me an exercise typically given to clients who are exiting the weekly appointment routine and moving forward into more independent work.  Tears.  Good tears.  I may not "see" what is happening, but it is happening.

She ended the appointment with the news I will be going through a lot more testing soon.  More good news to come.

This is incredibly encouraging.  I am entering winter again.  I have not had a winter season since the accident where I felt confident in how I process things visually. Christmas lights, dark earlier in the day.  I am hopeful and cautious. I know only time will tell.  For now, I celebrate that in my peripheral vision, I can see doorknobs and recognize them.  As I type here, I can see the lamp to my left and clearly make out its lines and I can see the pillow to my right and make out the lines in the pattern.  Fatigue is always a factor and it is early in this day.  For this moment though I rejoice in these things!

I did the week's homework and what had me groaning in the office last week has been a confidence booster as I have experienced the exercises becoming somewhat easier.  

Grateful seems such a small word for the fullness I fill in my heart.

He silences the winds, calms the storms and pours out His peace

I have been dreading this week for some time.  Knowing it was coming has brought on tears, anxiety, doubt, frustration and anger.
I have hated every minute of it.
Scripture tells us to not worry about tomorrow because today has enough.
TRUTH right there.
But, I have learned:
the opposite of worry is preparation.
Worry can leave a person paralyzed in fear and what ifs.
Stopping to ask what is the worst that can happen?  What can I do to change the ending? Do I want to be a victim of circumstances or do I want to roll with the punches and make some choices?

Most days, I have been so busy I just can't even think about tomorrow because it is taking everything I have to get through this hour, this day. Most days passed and I never gave a second thought to this present week.
There were "other" days with moments that I let myself think. process. ponder. talk to God about this coming week.  There have been the days were my thoughts were uncontrolled and worry & anxiety took over.  Both kind of days were rough.  The difference though was how I felt at the end of each.  Worry and anxiety led to defeat. On a better day, I would "wake" up and realize I needed to change my focus. I would choose to change my thinking and make it a day of preparation. The days of prep work sometimes left me tired and drained.  Fatigue can lead to some tearful and emotional days.  In the end though, there was a hope and empowerment that things would get better.  This season would end.

I am grateful for all those hard moments and days.  Grateful for the time I took to process, to work through emotions.  Grateful for the preparation. Grateful for all the prayer support I requested.
Because...
The Monday of all Mondays came.

When the blank after Projected Outcome is left blank...

Earlier this year, found me in  a doctor's office.  Going through more tests.  More evaluations. Trying to not get my hopes up.  

Oh, the twists and turns which had brought me to that moment in that chair.  Listening to the medical providers explain test results.   In the process of explaining, they verbalized what I was experiencing and couldn't explain. They did it so beautifully. The relief that I felt.  The joy. The comfort. And oh the tears that flowed later.  To be known.  To be understood. To not have to explain.  Just a taste of what it is like with God, my Father.  He loves me, He understands. I don't have to have words.  He knows.  For a brief moment, while I sat in that chair, I experienced a comfort and peace in knowing He was leading and providing for me.

So when all the explaining was done, what to do about the problem needed to be talked about.  They had a plan.  There were things that could be done.  BUT..
But... I am pretty used to the word but...

But in my case they could offer no guarantees.  When a brain is injured and damaged, there are no guarantees.  The brain is a mystery.  Damaged parts stay damaged. New pathways have to be created.  How those pathways form or if they would form was a question no one could answer or predict.  They would be willing to work with me.  They had worked with a number of people who had suffered brain injuries and strokes. They were familiar with the struggles. They had experienced success stories.  They just couldn't offer a projected outcome.

He goes before Me, He is always with me, and He has my back PART 2

I had to have a sit down.  I had to breathe.  I had to thank God for His mighty protection and His peace.  I knew in my heart something bad had happened that day I smelled something "funny."  I recognized the "strange" and yet familiar sense of peace that enveloped me.  The same peace I experience 16 years ago as I lay in a hospital bed listening to doctors and medical staff begin the process of bringing my son into the world while trying to save both of our lives.  A peace beyond explanation but knowing He is there and with me and not going to leave me.

The fire that happened and put itself out because the blower in the dryer "broke" and moisture filled the inside of the dryer.  The stubborn tunnel vision of trying to get the dryer open to clean the lint out leading to the video that provided me the information that the dryer was broken and repairable (otherwise I might have just bought a new one...)  The fatigue that forced me to rest for a couple of days till I was prompted to call my friend.  The firm assurance by individuals that fixing was better than replacing. Trusting God and the counsel He was providing.  Repairs made, that led to other questions and "fatherly" concern and suggestions.   God was there in the midst of it all, directing my steps and questions and protecting us all the while.

Proud to be learning!

One of the greatest lessons taught in our homeschooling is learning is constant.
Sometimes I learned it once and never used it and then I get to re-learn so I can teach it.
Learning to teach is a whole new level of learning.

It happens in more subjects of life than just Algebra, History, English, Geometry and Science.

In the last year, I have learned a lot.
I decided to start taking an inventory of the lessons I have learned:

• to extend grace to myself.  A lesson I revisit a lot.
• being 'broken' is not all bad, God gets to shine more through all the cracks that exist.
• to function in my kitchen and home differently, so I can complete tasks more efficiently.
• to fix a toilet.
• how to unclog a sink.
• how to wipe a hard drive clean and reload it
• how to install a dishwasher.
• how to take my dryer apart.
• to establish boundaries and to more than survive the push back that happens.
• how to replace light bulbs for my car's headlights.