Holding on to the Joy ~ April

In this season of hard.  There are many blessings in the midst of the mess.
A kitty that plops on a lap top and snuggles.  Something about pets...they are just able to sense when we need that extra bit of affection.  Gifts from our Heavenly Father.  They are never too busy or consumed with life and this world.

Facebook posts that tickle the funny bone and speak to the craziness of this moment in life! 

Unexpected sites when turning a corner and heading home.  The joy this produced.  We literally turned around and took way too many pictures because it was just that awesome and cheerful and fun during an oh so difficult moment.  This bit of cheeriness wiped away heart wrenching and breaking tears.  

A gift from my youngest girl... reached down deep into my soul and heart.  When she told the story, I couldn't help but cry because the story made it all the more precious.  Simple joys that bring such love and joy that the darkness of the hard just gets chased away.

Change, Balance, Focus words that get talked about a lot...

He sat there on the couch during the therapy session in such misery.
He demanded.
"Why!?!  Why did you change??"

It wasn't the time or place to answer.

It wasn't even the question for the moment.

So many other issues were at hand.  And this was just another question to distract from the problem being addressed.

Yet, the question remains.

At some point, I started asking how do I answer the questions: Why did we get divorced?  How did it come to this?
I have learned the answer and details don't matter so much as what I choose to do each given day.
Yet, taking time to reflect on the journey and the how is important.  What worked and what didn't? What would I do over again and what would I never want to repeat again?

So what changed?

Growing and blooming in the rocky and peaty places

Healing it is happening.
I am learning and growing.  Not surviving but thriving and blooming.

I took a short break while writing this and stepping away, allowed a memory to come to mind. In the early months of my marital separation I was doing a Bible Study.  It wasn't quite what I expected.  God has a way of doing that with me.  In the first lesson, we were challenged to look at the meaning our name(s).
For me, I have never been too impressed with the meaning of my names - purple flower  & bitterness.  But trying to respect the study, I pulled up the search engine and typed in my names.

Yep, there it was purple flower... but something a little bit more.  A purplish flower that blooms in the rocky, peaty places.  Was and am I ever in the rockiest of places.  As for peaty, I looked up that definition, partially decomposed vegetable matter, mostly mosses.  Yep, I was in a decomposing and dead place (my marriage).

My middle name- Yep, still there in the definition is bitter..but before that... Wished-for child.

Wished-for child, that was a first.  I have bought and looked through a lot of baby name books in my life time.  As choosing a name for my children was a significant thing for me... a name was not chosen until I knew the meaning.  Not only were my children named names I liked, but their names needed to have depth and purpose in their meaning.  I had been unimpressed with the meaning of my name since around the fourth grade when a teacher assigned us the task of learning the meaning our names. Then when I asked my mom why I was named my names, the answer was not at all what I expected.  The answer: name of a popular soap opera character, and for the middle name...it was the only name that flowed with my first name.  But what I could do?  Nothing.  At least not till I was old enough to change things.  When I was old enough, it just wasn't worth the trouble.  It wasn't like anyone else cared about the meaning behind names, and changing things would just be difficult and expensive.

But that day staring at the screen, I was being given a gift, being renamed, redefined.  A flower that blooms in the rocky, peaty places and I was a wished-for child.

And now, many months later, God gently reminds me of that day, reminds me of the promise of my name as He renamed me.  Flowers bloom seasonally.  There has been a lot of beneath the surface work, deep down in the roots and this past week, He has let me experience some of the joy in blooming and showing the work He has done.

So what is it He and I have been working on?

I have been learning to stand my ground.  Learning to be strong and not give into self doubt, to stop the tapes in my head before they start playing... to affirm my decisions and not waver.  To question my motives and ask God to show me if my intent, my motives are wrong and do I need to shift my thoughts and attitudes?... To not immediately take more responsibility than is mine to shoulder. All of these have been works in progress.

These weaknesses didn't happen over night.  They have been present for a long time.  They have been strengthened as weaknesses and encouraged by those that love me.  Shocking isn't it?  True.  As shocking as it might or might not be.  Because the reality is we might love someone and we might want them to conquer and overcome some things for their own good, but...  Always the but... But when someone starts to become stronger it affects every relationship.  That isn't always comfortable for the cheerleader.  That cheerleader might be fine with you developing confidence and a voice so long as it doesn't inconvenience the relationship with them... When that happens, the cheerleader just might (and does in some cases) become the loudest and angriest dissenting voice.  The confusion and pain that is felt is profound.  I have walked that road many a time.  It always ended up with me reverting back to questioning myself and self doubt and I must have done something wrong. On and on the cycle would go.  It is extremely difficult when these loud voices and dissenters are family. The very people who are suppose to be for you.  So very difficult.  Others aren't suppose to walk all over me, just them.

Sigh... and so the cycle goes.  It is hard.  It is hard to admit the truth about the people closest to you.  It isn't that you don't love or like them. It is hard because it is hard.  Hard to admit the people closest aren't perfect.  Hard to look at them and say, I don't like this but I like you.  Even harder to say, I don't like this so very much that even though I like you, I can't spend anymore time with you because that is how much I don't like being treated this way.  For someone like me who has the tendency for self-doubt and taking on way more responsibility than is mine to carry, this is really hard.  It is hard because it means there is nothing I can do "more" to be treated better or to change their attitude/behavior towards me.  It isn't about me.  It is more about them and the way they think and perceive the world.  Part of loving others as we love ourselves is learning to say no.  Because letting them treat me poorly without consequence does not help them in the long run.  It is hard because as much as I want someone to get it, to understand, I can't make them.  It is hard to step back and watch them go down in a direction that will inevitably be filled with hardship as the result of choices being made.  Life is hard enough without making it worse as a result of the choices we make.

This past week I have encountered multiple opportunities to press repeat.  I didn't.  I managed to stand strong.  I didn't self-doubt. I didn't take on too much responsibility.  I did it.  I fist pumped and told myself way to go!  AND because it is hard I grieved. BUT I didn't grieve as I have in the past, I grieved because I knew the losses the other side was going to experience.  I grieved for them.  I prayed.  I put them in the hands of God and brushed my hands and knees off and did the next thing because there was nothing more that I could do.  God doesn't need my help.  He can handle it. One day, maybe things will be different.  For now, I am enjoying the freedom of being free from the cycle.  I am grateful for these moments of success.  Praying that when the next time comes around I will be able to press repeat for this pattern, not the old.

Some articles that have helped me tremendously over the past year or two.

This one is very current, oh how I wish it had been written sooner. But I rest in the affirmation and encouragement of what I have been learning.
This one, while I am not fully where she is at, maybe one day.  But acknowledging sometimes in spite of all efforts what is dead is dead.
This one, challenged my committment to marriage.  It is one thing to be commited.  It is another thing to be commited to the point of self-detriment. We are to love others as we love ourselves.

This one and pretty much a whole bunch of articles on this website have provided encouragement and affirmation regarding what forgiveness, repentance and reconciliation looks like.  In addition, to addressing individual's humanity, sin nature in light of Scripture and how it relates to relationships.

Some words of wisdom that have had a profound effect:

"God is a gentleman."  Period.  There are not enough words.  Just camp out on that one for a good long while.  Ask Him to teach the fullness of that sentence to you.  Ask Him daily to show and reveal that one to you.

I wish I could find the article I read, but in summary:  A commitment to marriage does not mean a person now gets to practice being their worst possible self.
Replace marriage with family.. and it applies to any relationship.

Are the choices I am making today going to help me be the person I want to be tomorrow?
or
What I do today is practice for who I will be tomorrow.

If God is perfect.  Then He communicates perfectly.  Satan is known (and so is man) for twisting and distorting the words of God.  Why then am I worried about or suprised by the twisting and distorting of my words?  If people/Satan are willing to do it to the All-Perfect God, then there is no reason to expect it not to happen to me.  (haters, going to hate... twisters are going to twist... ) I just do the best I can and leave the rest to God.  The twisting and distorting of my words is not a reflection of me but of the person who is doing it.  There are plenty of people who do understand my words and heart.

Truth will be revealed.  God doesn't need my help.  He will equip me in His own time in His strength and give me words if I need them.

It is that resting in Him, trusting in Him, waiting on Him that is so healing.  He is faithful.

Growing Stronger, Getting Bolder and finding humor in songs and lyrics...

The last 2 years have been a journey.

I have been challenged a lot by people.  by words.  by opinions. by Scripture.

I have challenged myself.

My beliefs, opinions, thoughts, attitudes, perspectives, choices have all been challenged.

I felt sifted and crushed and pressed and squeezed.

It has just been for the most part completely unpleasant to put it mildly.

I have also been afraid.
Afraid to say too much.
Afraid my words would be picked apart. Misunderstood. Twisted and taken out of context.

In the process of breaking free, song lyrics of all things pop into my head like as conversations.

It has been funny as the kids and I talk, something will get said and I respond with, someone wrote a song about that once...

In all honesty, there is nothing new under the sun.

I have to remind myself, haters are going to hate.  They just are.  It has nothing to do with me.
I can't make my words "perfect" because if a person is bent on being hateful, they will just find something to be hateful about.   As the kids and I work through some of this hatefulness we sometimes tend to break into song... I will let you guess which one that could be.

It has been a journey to say the least.  Fear has made itself all too comfortable in our lives.
We are learning to conquer it.  We are learning it is more important to be true to ourselves.  To speak truth to ourselves in spite of what those around us say.

The hardest part in this journey is when it is family that hurt us.  Family and friends have the capacity to hurt us more deeply.  They know us best.  They know right where to hit.  Sometimes they even know how to turn the tables so quickly it leaves us dizzy and confused. They do it, so everyone becomes distracted and focused on something else.  We are learning to keep our legs underneath us.  To right ourselves after being spun and not fall into the bait and switch confusing distraction.

We are learning that sometimes silence is the answer.  There is no point to speak because the truth will be found out.  Time always does reveal truth.  Time always reveals character.

AND then there are times, as we are learning, the silence needs to be broken.  When dealing with bullies it is always important to speak up and stand up for what is true.  Silence never stops a bully.

We are learning to say, nope, no way, no how and do it with friendly firmness.

We are learning to speak up and contradict the lies being said.

We are learning to contradict the taking truths out of context and putting them back into their proper place.

And we are learning to accept that while we may do it with friendly firmness. While we may love the individuals that are involved in the mess... they may, and probably will, reject our efforts to stand up for ourselves, and twist and contort and take out of context our words to create more drama, pain and hurt. But that is okay, because there was a song wrote about this... some people are just haters... and haters are going to hate.... so just.... Shake it off....shake it off.. shake it off..  And keep doing what we know is right and stand for what is right and true.  Learning what it really means to search our own hearts and be ready and okay with ourselves when it comes time to stand before God... cause even He knows.... Haters are going to hate, hate, hate...

He hears the cry of my heart and He draws me to Him

Tonight the tears flow.
It has been a difficult day.
A difficult week.
A difficult month.
A difficult year.
A difficult marriage.
A difficult life.

I have been yelled and screamed at more minutes, hours and days than I count.

Tonight the tears flow, the urge to feel sorry for myself and to go down that road is strong.

After this night and it not being the first night of listening to:
My dear one(s) wish for my death.
Heap the blame on me for the divorce.
And then wish for themselves to be dead because it is all just too painful.

I just can't speak. Words won't come.
I just am frozen where I sit.

I knew the day would come.

My kids are smart.
Sometimes too smart for their own good, for my own good.

Adjusting and Healing in Ways Unexpected

I started this post months ago.
My heart was raw...
It needed to sit for awhile.
I needed to sit for a while.
My head and my heart, they know Truth.  But my flesh, my person still grieves loss still the same.
While in the midst of loss I am able to find much gain and joy, the losses still leave a void and ache.  That void and ache is sometimes compounded by the fact my losses don't affect only me.  It isn't only myself that must face the changes in my abilities or lifestyle but also those closest to me.  Even though I encouraged independence and self-sufficiency, I still did a lot for my family.  As time went by, we noticed more losses as the number of people in our lives dwindled.  Not that they didn't care but we were no longer as active and involved in things as we once were.  Just more loss.
So, I delayed in sharing the following, because I just needed a bit more time to soak in the conversation between my son and I.  So grateful I am, for this memory.  For the healing that allowed this conversation to happen.

January 2016:
My oldest son and I went to my latest appointment together.
We weren't sure how much the testing would affect me.
Since most of his school is online and they have wi-fi, he didn't lose too much from doing his assignments.
He joined us as we went over the preliminary results.

Memories I want to savor

It all started with a 4 year old out of the blue saying he wanted to play hockey!
I looked at him and said, you don't even know what hockey is.
To which, he looked me straight and said, yes I do.  He proceeded to tell me all about it.
How did he know about hockey? I did not know.  We were a little bitty family of 5 in Kansas.  Basketball.  Baseball.  Football.  Those were the sports people talked about.  Occassionally swimming, volleyball, golf, etc.  Not hockey.

Apparantly, he flipped channels on the basement tv and came across a hockey game.  He was captivated.  He knew more about hockey at 4 years of age than anyone I knew. Sundays on his way home from church he would announce he was going to watch the hockey game.  The first time he did this, I told him there wasn't a hockey game on tv.  Kansas, mind you.  Hockey wasn't a Kansas thing back then.  He looked at me and said, yes there is.  Very respectfully and serious.  I responded with, "How do you know?"  "Because there is," he said.
Four years old and he didn't know how to read and I tried like the dickens to manage tv time.  But he intuitively knew and he was right!  His fascination did not abate.

Next step was ice skating lessons. I thought that would take some time and we would see how long his interest lasted.

Um yeah, right!?!?

Hearing and speech update....

Last week, I posted here about my journey in addressing my speech issues and auditory processing issues.
I passed the hearing tests with flying colors.
No suprise there.
This week though, I did the auditory processing testing.
A whole other story.
My first two tests I do okay on.
The sweet lady who did my testing told me at that point, she was thinking, wow she is doing good, maybe we don't have a problem.
That quickly changed when the third test started and then the fourth was done.
She looked at me and said "You are suprised are you?"
Yes and no.
At the time, I felt like I hadn't "missed" enough on the test for anyone to see there was a problem.
I anticipated needing to miss a lot of answers for there to be a problem to be acknowledged.
So my suprise was the fact they did see the problem.
Apparantly, there is not a whole lot of room for error on these tests.

Checking out my hearing and speech... new stuff on the horizon!

I am so super excited!
Just before the holidays, I received a recommendation to contact a speech center here in town.
They aren't very well known, at least to my medical providers.
A frustration all within itself.  But I keep reminding myself God's timing is perfect and to trust in His timing.

Today, my first appointment.
I had spoken to them on the phone.
Kind people.  Compassionate people.
Again no promises.
Vision therapy has gone as far as it can for now.
My vision issues can continue to get better on their own and I have exercises to continue and one more follow up appointment.
However, I am still slow and the thought is it is an issue with processing.
I have testing results that concur.
So... I called.
Because insurance is the way it is.
They must have tests to prove I can hear and I don't have a hearing problem, that is what we did today.
Perfectly good hearing!  In all the normal ranges.

One of the best parts about today, is what I would normally shed tears over.
Life has been rough the last couple of weeks.  Worn down and exhausted, by the time I was called for testing, my speech was declining and just short of a train wreck.
God's timing is perfect.  He knew how life was going to roll.  He knew I would struggle.
He provided the perfect opening in the schedules for this appointment to happen.
Those doing my hearing tests heard my speech.
The speech specialist I spoke to on the phone came by to introduce herself.
She was able to hear my speech.
The best part was no one was alarmed or upset.
They weren't frustrated or angry.
They didn't talk down to me.
Didn't get frustrated.
They were kind and interested and encouraging.
What triggers?  What helps?
Explaining, I live life in such a way to minimize issues as much as possible, but I can't prevent sick kids, crazy upside down days or weeks or noisy stores.
It was so good to have my speech problems in a setting where I just might be able to find help.

BECAUSE WE CARE... stones can comforting

My girl and I recently had an opportunity to learn how to make these rocks/gems of comfort.
It was a really neat learning opportunity for the both of us.  Even beyond the craft project itself.

Because We Care is an ministry aimed to provide comfort to those in the hospital facing really hard stuff.  Started by a nurse that faced human suffering bravely and yet was feeling the burden and heaviness of her job.  One particular day, the family of someone she had served gifted her with a stone.  A simple and yet beautiful gift, that would over time become a source of encouragement and courage to continue to do what she did well.  

Capable but slow!

As this year is ending, I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude for the way God directed my path.  Last holiday season, I learned of vision therapy services that could help.  No promises, just a maybe.

I have done a lot of testing over the last couple of months.  Initially when the testing started there were some pretty low scores.  My latest scores were a mixed bag of low and astonishingly high and improved.  

It isn't the numbers so much, but what the numbers reveal.  

These wonderfully kind people don't just focus on the numbers. 

So as we reviewed the scores, I heard and received the most encouraging words.  

These scores show, "You are capable, just slow."

I am slower, much slower than I used to be.  It is exceedingly frustrating.  But I am learning, trying to learn to be content.  But what did my heart good was to hear I was capable.  Sometimes in slowness, efficiency becomes an issue.  I have questioned what I have to offer if all the things I used to be good at, I am not good at anymore?   What can I do?  

Add on top of it all, that there is a divorce happening, all sorts of questions about self worth and acceptance and the future just roll around in one's heart, mind and soul.  

But this office of people, they are good and kind.  

They see the struggle.  

They can even measure it. 

They see potential and capability. 

They accept. 

My latest appointment was to announce, I have graduated.  I am moving into monthly appointments and then will be released from therapy!  I am "passing" where I need to improve.  I have to admit there was some anxiety, because even the vision issues are still variable.  Not as much, but still... So the doctor and I talked.  Variability, it is there to stay. I will have to do what I need to do to take care of myself and thus limit variability and then accept when life goes awry and adjust.  Maybe one day as the brain heals and develops new pathways there will be less variability.  But the anxiety was still there.  I asked him about our last conversation when he stated if I could reach a certain "percentage" then there would be a hope that  I would be "average in functioning".  Related to my concerns about divorce, eventually needing to work, medical prognosis of another doctor and just general concerns and worries.  If I am slow and not "good" at what I used to be "good" at then what?  Bless this man's heart... I believe God just entered the room that moment and spoke through him.  

"Knowing what I know about you, as an employer, I would expect it would take you longer to learn (train) things.  I would expect you might be more forgetful and need reminders and make more mistakes. If I didn't know any of this about you, I might not realize there was an underlying condition at all. I might wonder why you can't remember or why you keep making mistakes and why you haven't learned it yet, but I have experienced this with other people."  His compassion and kindness just overwhelmed me.  You see I have been asking these kind of questions for a while.  His words that he chose at that moment communicated acceptance and hope.  

Then the doctor took on a father/uncle type demeanor and gave me some firm advice and instructions about the future and different options I should look into and consider.  Then he provided me with details regarding therapy with speech and language pathologists that could benefit my vision and speech. (This bit of hope was so important, especially since my speech is a huge concern about what kind of job I can have when my speech is variable.)  Then he said, "Merry Christmas and see you at your next appointment!"

The demeanors of my care providers are unique and greatly varied.  While all of them are honest, some are more able to present facts in a way truth is acknowledged but encouragement and hope is also offered.  

A little bit of kitty love in the sunshine and gentle reminders from God...

This guy;

speaks to my heart so much sometimes. 

We laugh when we say he is emotionally constipated.  And when we say he is an emotional eater.  

He is quirky.  And aren't we all? 

He has his own emotional need issues, and don't we all?  

He silences the winds, calms the storms and pours out His peace

I have been dreading this week for some time.  Knowing it was coming has brought on tears, anxiety, doubt, frustration and anger.
I have hated every minute of it.
Scripture tells us to not worry about tomorrow because today has enough.
TRUTH right there.
But, I have learned:
the opposite of worry is preparation.
Worry can leave a person paralyzed in fear and what ifs.
Stopping to ask what is the worst that can happen?  What can I do to change the ending? Do I want to be a victim of circumstances or do I want to roll with the punches and make some choices?

Most days, I have been so busy I just can't even think about tomorrow because it is taking everything I have to get through this hour, this day. Most days passed and I never gave a second thought to this present week.
There were "other" days with moments that I let myself think. process. ponder. talk to God about this coming week.  There have been the days were my thoughts were uncontrolled and worry & anxiety took over.  Both kind of days were rough.  The difference though was how I felt at the end of each.  Worry and anxiety led to defeat. On a better day, I would "wake" up and realize I needed to change my focus. I would choose to change my thinking and make it a day of preparation. The days of prep work sometimes left me tired and drained.  Fatigue can lead to some tearful and emotional days.  In the end though, there was a hope and empowerment that things would get better.  This season would end.

I am grateful for all those hard moments and days.  Grateful for the time I took to process, to work through emotions.  Grateful for the preparation. Grateful for all the prayer support I requested.
Because...
The Monday of all Mondays came.

When the blank after Projected Outcome is left blank...

Earlier this year, found me in  a doctor's office.  Going through more tests.  More evaluations. Trying to not get my hopes up.  

Oh, the twists and turns which had brought me to that moment in that chair.  Listening to the medical providers explain test results.   In the process of explaining, they verbalized what I was experiencing and couldn't explain. They did it so beautifully. The relief that I felt.  The joy. The comfort. And oh the tears that flowed later.  To be known.  To be understood. To not have to explain.  Just a taste of what it is like with God, my Father.  He loves me, He understands. I don't have to have words.  He knows.  For a brief moment, while I sat in that chair, I experienced a comfort and peace in knowing He was leading and providing for me.

So when all the explaining was done, what to do about the problem needed to be talked about.  They had a plan.  There were things that could be done.  BUT..
But... I am pretty used to the word but...

But in my case they could offer no guarantees.  When a brain is injured and damaged, there are no guarantees.  The brain is a mystery.  Damaged parts stay damaged. New pathways have to be created.  How those pathways form or if they would form was a question no one could answer or predict.  They would be willing to work with me.  They had worked with a number of people who had suffered brain injuries and strokes. They were familiar with the struggles. They had experienced success stories.  They just couldn't offer a projected outcome.

Science Experiments & Rose Cuttings that Grow Reassurance and Hope

Our latest science experiment.  My 6th grader has an experiment this month. To take a cutting and put in water to grow roots...  The suggested plant cutting was from a rose bush.  I had been curious in the past how rose bushes came to be because I knew they were not planted from seed.  I had seen educational type shows about grafting and growing a new "breed" of rose.  So I did some research online about it and sure enough the suggestion was to vut about 6 inches from an existing rose bush and plant....

Of course, that peaked my interest and I couldn't just follow the directions given in the science experiment!  My imagination and interest peeked we headed for the garage.  Which of course led to a bit of "minor" cleaning considering it is a garage and all... found a bag of potting soil, flower pots bought for another project never done, and we went to town.  In the bottom left corner, one "stick" has yellow yarn.  The only cutting from our transplanted/moved yellow bush.  The rest are all from one red rose bush.  

This particular project took me down memory lane.  Caused some thinking...

Eve... chosen, blessed and loved by God

I am really enjoying IF:Equip and the Bible selections that are studied and shared with so many women world wide.   What I enjoy so much about If is each day a passage of Scripture is selected.  There isn't a study guide.  Each person is invited to share in the blog's comments.  Comments range from questions trying to understand more fully to humble convictions pressed upon their heart by God or inspired words of insight.  It has been a beautiful thing to be reading the same portion of God's word with so many women world wide and read how it is impacting each person individually and growing them. There is a sense of community felt with these women although I have never met a single one of them.
Currently, the study is on women of the Bible.  This was the first week and of course, it started with Eve.  Today's study, left me quietly smiling and feeling very refreshed. This week, I have been blessed by the fresh perspectives being shared about Eve.  So often in my life, Eve is the cursed one.  The one who brought sin into the world.  She is remembered for all that she has done wrong.  This week there has been a thread of redemption being shared about Eve and it has been beautiful to "listen" in on these sharings.  Eve made a decision and it cost her much.  So very, very much.  While there were consequences, the ones so many can recite by memory, there is a thread of love and compassion right there in Genesis that seems to be so quickly read over and is unnoticed.  Eve still experienced the presence of God in her life afterwards.  There were consequences. Yet, God after declaring what would happen, stopped and took time to make coverings for Adam and Eve.  A lesson, maybe, for how to in the future.  Afterall, it isn't like they needed to before and this was something new for them.  Later, when she gives birth, she acknowledges God's provision in the form of Cain.  Even later, when Seth is born she acknowledges the gift God has given her in light of the loss she had experienced in losing Abel.  She made a mistake, yes.  But her mistake didn't alienate her from God.  It didn't define her.  Her relationship with God changed.  Most relationships change, often it takes something bad, to fully appreciate the good.  The bad gives us a reference point to understand why good is good.  It was the first of many mistakes, the first of many sins in a story of humanity that would lead us to Jesus.  Today, I am grateful for the women, who were able to see past Eve's mistake and see her as God saw her....a woman, loved and created by God, chosen, and blessed to be the first to experience God's love, forgiveness and promise for the future.  Blessed to hear Eve not "cursed" by her "daughters" for a mistake, but grace and understanding that sometimes choices are made and the future is affected, but there is a God that loves us so much, He provides redemeption and healing and restoration.

God is a gentleman

So I am reworking this post...
Cause that is what happens sometimes after I post and then I am taking my morning shower.
I get so much chat time with God and thinking done in the shower....

This past fall I kept hearing the same sentence over and over.. God is a gentleman.
I started thinking on it.  I had never thought of God as a Gentleman.  If God is a Gentleman... what does that look like?  Cause He isn't opening the car door for me.. He opens doors, but not the ones that are physical and attached to a building or a car.
So into my journey of examining God's character and what makes God a Gentleman.

Rewind several years, well maybe 16 or 17 years...
In parenting, I became intentional.  I longed to be able to teach my kids "rules" of life NOT because "I said so, but because God said so". I wanted to be able to direct them to His Word, to Him.

I discovered this company, Doorposts and their tools became invaluable.  You see I have this memory:

When I was a teenager, during one of the years my family never walked into a church, I picked up my Bible and started reading.  I was shocked and astounded.  Right there between the pages of Genesis and Revelations were instructions on how to behave. It was one of those years where law and the Constitution was being studied.  I had just no idea that the Bible was where it first happened.  I just thought all these rules of childhood were something parents created.  This discovery started a longing in my heart to know God's Word better.  

A few years into parenting, I wanted my children to know the principles we live by were created by God for our good.  Not for some selfish parental/adult reason to make life better.  

Now back in the present... I have been on a discovery journey of God's character.  Knowing who He is, but not being able to support it.  If God is a gentleman, then what does this look like.  I had read my Bible through one lens... what is it that I am suppose to be learning?  Now I started reading it through another lens, what does this say about God, His Character and The Kind of God He is?  This past year though, as I study His Word, I will come across a glorious and beautiful truth and then He will follow up that truth with this whisper to my heart..."This is another example of my character, of who I am and who I desire you to be."  It is easy to list of examples of good character. But that isn't enough for me.. I want to know where it is in Scripture. and He is showing me.  On this day, this verse jumped out at me as I worked through my Bible study book, Breathe:

And I started writing in my book.  

God waited.

Patiently waited 

6 days, 

He waited for the seventh day. 

He had an appointment, the Sabbath.  

He waited. 

He let them tend to life. 

But the time came and He called Moses.  

God was always there.  Present.  But not greedy of time and demanding more time.

Not selfish or self seeking wanting more time 

He was willing to wait.

He instructs us to seek Him.  To pray in all things.  To keep Him Lord and worship nothing else.  He is balanced and selfish and selfless. He calls us to work.  He calls us to rest.  He knows that as humans there are things we must tend.  We must eat.  We must care for others.  If He gives us these instructions, He recognizes it means our attention will inevitably be diverted from Him. He doesn't get jealous or demanding or impatient.  He awaits for the time He set aside for us to be with Him fully focused, Sabbath.  He doesn't even force us to show up to the appointment... free will... 

Feeling blessed that as I learn and grow in other areas, He doesn't forget this desire of mine to have Biblical evidence of His character.  He just keeps whispering to my heart..

My Amazon box came!

Thanks to Swagbucks I was able to order these two books, plus a stocking stuffer last week for nothing out of pocket! (I, also, ordered a copy of Breathe for a friend. In case you do the math and wonder how I managed to get free shipping.) Woohoo.

Hard Hearts, God, Bible, Divorce and Legalism

I am not a pastor, theologian or preacher by any means. I am someone who has been camping out with God a lot more than usual these days asking God some really tough questions. Sometimes experience is the best teacher.

 
If I believe Your Word is True...
If I believe You, God, are who You say You are...
If I believe everything I have taught my children is true...
Then how does it all apply to this moment..these moments in my life right now.

This moment, these moments are in the midst of a difficult marriage, difficult life experiences. 

Just a little bit more about me....

I started off somewhat anonymously this blog.
Fear and anxiety these days are a part of my life almost as much getting up and taking a shower and brushing my teeth.

Online there is some anonymity. Yet, I can't disappear from those who know me completely.  I don't really want to either.  However, this season is difficult.  I am having to rediscover myself in some areas, reinvent myself in others and discover my "new" self and it is all happening at the same time.  I am slowly re-gaining self confidence and acceptance of where I am at today.  Yesterday was yesterday, tomorrow is tomorrow, but today at this given moment, this is where I am at and this is what I am able to do and that is okay.

Some might know me from my other blog, Beach Gardens. Currently, it is just too difficult, to post there.  Maybe one day, I will return.  I do love my Beach Gardens part of my life.  It is very much a part of me but for now, I am hear at Faithfully Leaning and Counting, because while I have leaned into God over the years, I am leaning even more heavily on Him than I have ever before.  And I am counting...counting the blessings He bestows on my daily and hourly.  Focusing on His blessings is what keeps me going and reminds me this moment, this pain and suffering is just for a season and He does love me.  He does care for me.  He does see me.  He is there.  So I keep on counting.  I count pennies.  Lots and lots of pennies, because every dollar starts with a penny and as my dad says, every pound starts with an ounce.

So this is me.  This is where I am at in life today.