Holding on to the Joy ~ April

In this season of hard.  There are many blessings in the midst of the mess.
A kitty that plops on a lap top and snuggles.  Something about pets...they are just able to sense when we need that extra bit of affection.  Gifts from our Heavenly Father.  They are never too busy or consumed with life and this world.

Facebook posts that tickle the funny bone and speak to the craziness of this moment in life! 

Unexpected sites when turning a corner and heading home.  The joy this produced.  We literally turned around and took way too many pictures because it was just that awesome and cheerful and fun during an oh so difficult moment.  This bit of cheeriness wiped away heart wrenching and breaking tears.  

A gift from my youngest girl... reached down deep into my soul and heart.  When she told the story, I couldn't help but cry because the story made it all the more precious.  Simple joys that bring such love and joy that the darkness of the hard just gets chased away.

Change, Balance, Focus words that get talked about a lot...

He sat there on the couch during the therapy session in such misery.
He demanded.
"Why!?!  Why did you change??"

It wasn't the time or place to answer.

It wasn't even the question for the moment.

So many other issues were at hand.  And this was just another question to distract from the problem being addressed.

Yet, the question remains.

At some point, I started asking how do I answer the questions: Why did we get divorced?  How did it come to this?
I have learned the answer and details don't matter so much as what I choose to do each given day.
Yet, taking time to reflect on the journey and the how is important.  What worked and what didn't? What would I do over again and what would I never want to repeat again?

So what changed?

Growing and blooming in the rocky and peaty places

Healing it is happening.
I am learning and growing.  Not surviving but thriving and blooming.

I took a short break while writing this and stepping away, allowed a memory to come to mind. In the early months of my marital separation I was doing a Bible Study.  It wasn't quite what I expected.  God has a way of doing that with me.  In the first lesson, we were challenged to look at the meaning our name(s).
For me, I have never been too impressed with the meaning of my names - purple flower  & bitterness.  But trying to respect the study, I pulled up the search engine and typed in my names.

Yep, there it was purple flower... but something a little bit more.  A purplish flower that blooms in the rocky, peaty places.  Was and am I ever in the rockiest of places.  As for peaty, I looked up that definition, partially decomposed vegetable matter, mostly mosses.  Yep, I was in a decomposing and dead place (my marriage).

My middle name- Yep, still there in the definition is bitter..but before that... Wished-for child.

Wished-for child, that was a first.  I have bought and looked through a lot of baby name books in my life time.  As choosing a name for my children was a significant thing for me... a name was not chosen until I knew the meaning.  Not only were my children named names I liked, but their names needed to have depth and purpose in their meaning.  I had been unimpressed with the meaning of my name since around the fourth grade when a teacher assigned us the task of learning the meaning our names. Then when I asked my mom why I was named my names, the answer was not at all what I expected.  The answer: name of a popular soap opera character, and for the middle name...it was the only name that flowed with my first name.  But what I could do?  Nothing.  At least not till I was old enough to change things.  When I was old enough, it just wasn't worth the trouble.  It wasn't like anyone else cared about the meaning behind names, and changing things would just be difficult and expensive.

But that day staring at the screen, I was being given a gift, being renamed, redefined.  A flower that blooms in the rocky, peaty places and I was a wished-for child.

And now, many months later, God gently reminds me of that day, reminds me of the promise of my name as He renamed me.  Flowers bloom seasonally.  There has been a lot of beneath the surface work, deep down in the roots and this past week, He has let me experience some of the joy in blooming and showing the work He has done.

So what is it He and I have been working on?

I have been learning to stand my ground.  Learning to be strong and not give into self doubt, to stop the tapes in my head before they start playing... to affirm my decisions and not waver.  To question my motives and ask God to show me if my intent, my motives are wrong and do I need to shift my thoughts and attitudes?... To not immediately take more responsibility than is mine to shoulder. All of these have been works in progress.

These weaknesses didn't happen over night.  They have been present for a long time.  They have been strengthened as weaknesses and encouraged by those that love me.  Shocking isn't it?  True.  As shocking as it might or might not be.  Because the reality is we might love someone and we might want them to conquer and overcome some things for their own good, but...  Always the but... But when someone starts to become stronger it affects every relationship.  That isn't always comfortable for the cheerleader.  That cheerleader might be fine with you developing confidence and a voice so long as it doesn't inconvenience the relationship with them... When that happens, the cheerleader just might (and does in some cases) become the loudest and angriest dissenting voice.  The confusion and pain that is felt is profound.  I have walked that road many a time.  It always ended up with me reverting back to questioning myself and self doubt and I must have done something wrong. On and on the cycle would go.  It is extremely difficult when these loud voices and dissenters are family. The very people who are suppose to be for you.  So very difficult.  Others aren't suppose to walk all over me, just them.

Sigh... and so the cycle goes.  It is hard.  It is hard to admit the truth about the people closest to you.  It isn't that you don't love or like them. It is hard because it is hard.  Hard to admit the people closest aren't perfect.  Hard to look at them and say, I don't like this but I like you.  Even harder to say, I don't like this so very much that even though I like you, I can't spend anymore time with you because that is how much I don't like being treated this way.  For someone like me who has the tendency for self-doubt and taking on way more responsibility than is mine to carry, this is really hard.  It is hard because it means there is nothing I can do "more" to be treated better or to change their attitude/behavior towards me.  It isn't about me.  It is more about them and the way they think and perceive the world.  Part of loving others as we love ourselves is learning to say no.  Because letting them treat me poorly without consequence does not help them in the long run.  It is hard because as much as I want someone to get it, to understand, I can't make them.  It is hard to step back and watch them go down in a direction that will inevitably be filled with hardship as the result of choices being made.  Life is hard enough without making it worse as a result of the choices we make.

This past week I have encountered multiple opportunities to press repeat.  I didn't.  I managed to stand strong.  I didn't self-doubt. I didn't take on too much responsibility.  I did it.  I fist pumped and told myself way to go!  AND because it is hard I grieved. BUT I didn't grieve as I have in the past, I grieved because I knew the losses the other side was going to experience.  I grieved for them.  I prayed.  I put them in the hands of God and brushed my hands and knees off and did the next thing because there was nothing more that I could do.  God doesn't need my help.  He can handle it. One day, maybe things will be different.  For now, I am enjoying the freedom of being free from the cycle.  I am grateful for these moments of success.  Praying that when the next time comes around I will be able to press repeat for this pattern, not the old.

Some articles that have helped me tremendously over the past year or two.

This one is very current, oh how I wish it had been written sooner. But I rest in the affirmation and encouragement of what I have been learning.
This one, while I am not fully where she is at, maybe one day.  But acknowledging sometimes in spite of all efforts what is dead is dead.
This one, challenged my committment to marriage.  It is one thing to be commited.  It is another thing to be commited to the point of self-detriment. We are to love others as we love ourselves.

This one and pretty much a whole bunch of articles on this website have provided encouragement and affirmation regarding what forgiveness, repentance and reconciliation looks like.  In addition, to addressing individual's humanity, sin nature in light of Scripture and how it relates to relationships.

Some words of wisdom that have had a profound effect:

"God is a gentleman."  Period.  There are not enough words.  Just camp out on that one for a good long while.  Ask Him to teach the fullness of that sentence to you.  Ask Him daily to show and reveal that one to you.

I wish I could find the article I read, but in summary:  A commitment to marriage does not mean a person now gets to practice being their worst possible self.
Replace marriage with family.. and it applies to any relationship.

Are the choices I am making today going to help me be the person I want to be tomorrow?
or
What I do today is practice for who I will be tomorrow.

If God is perfect.  Then He communicates perfectly.  Satan is known (and so is man) for twisting and distorting the words of God.  Why then am I worried about or suprised by the twisting and distorting of my words?  If people/Satan are willing to do it to the All-Perfect God, then there is no reason to expect it not to happen to me.  (haters, going to hate... twisters are going to twist... ) I just do the best I can and leave the rest to God.  The twisting and distorting of my words is not a reflection of me but of the person who is doing it.  There are plenty of people who do understand my words and heart.

Truth will be revealed.  God doesn't need my help.  He will equip me in His own time in His strength and give me words if I need them.

It is that resting in Him, trusting in Him, waiting on Him that is so healing.  He is faithful.

April 1st ~ Mom strikes again

I don't always do something on April first.  Actually, over the years I have dreaded the day.  Specifically grateful for homeschooling and the lack of awareness on my kiddo's part most of the time.  The kitchen sink prank has been done so many times, that I fail to laugh and struggle to not be grumpy.  Rubber banding the spraying so someone gets wet just isn't funny the 4th, 5th, 6th year in a row.  I have already showered thank you very much and wet clothes are uncomfortable and I just have too much to do for all this mess... Yep, my sense of humor is really lacking on April Fool's Day.

That is until this year.  I stayed up late.  Way too late.  I have no idea what got into me.  Not one bit.  It started with potatoes because sometimes potatoes have eyes.  I just couldn't resist and kept thinking how much my mom would have thought it was funny.  Then as I started quietly laughing, I just couldn't stop.



So I did the cookie container...because someone is always watching.... and Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? and I am always telling the kids they will get caught...

What could be more crazy fun then opening the refrigerator for breakfast and finding this: 

Adjusting and Healing in Ways Unexpected

I started this post months ago.
My heart was raw...
It needed to sit for awhile.
I needed to sit for a while.
My head and my heart, they know Truth.  But my flesh, my person still grieves loss still the same.
While in the midst of loss I am able to find much gain and joy, the losses still leave a void and ache.  That void and ache is sometimes compounded by the fact my losses don't affect only me.  It isn't only myself that must face the changes in my abilities or lifestyle but also those closest to me.  Even though I encouraged independence and self-sufficiency, I still did a lot for my family.  As time went by, we noticed more losses as the number of people in our lives dwindled.  Not that they didn't care but we were no longer as active and involved in things as we once were.  Just more loss.
So, I delayed in sharing the following, because I just needed a bit more time to soak in the conversation between my son and I.  So grateful I am, for this memory.  For the healing that allowed this conversation to happen.

January 2016:
My oldest son and I went to my latest appointment together.
We weren't sure how much the testing would affect me.
Since most of his school is online and they have wi-fi, he didn't lose too much from doing his assignments.
He joined us as we went over the preliminary results.

I am so glad bedrooms have doors on them

Seriously, I am so glad there are bedroom doors.
I am grateful for the sanctuary they create.
When I just don't know what else to do....
When there are just no words to be said....
When the emotions are just too big....
When the need for quiet is great...
When trying to not laugh is going to cause me to choke....
there is only one thing left to be said...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM"

Oh the drama!
It is Sunday afternoon.
There are two in my home that are intent on making life interesting.
This sums them up:


I could only hope their drama is this amicablely planned.

Today, I just could not do one more minute.
I either had to babysit their free time or seek sanity for myself.
Sanity won.
I sent them to their own rooms.
For one, the isolation is just more than can be tolerated.
Every excuse imaginable was created for exiting.
Shock at my insistance to remain behind a closed door.
If only he understood it was in his best interest.
I am not feeling well. I am tired and I am in pain.
When all else failed, the next attempt to exit was because "I am thirsty."
The concept of asking if he may get a drink has escaped him.
He just feels entitled.
ENTITLED.
When I point out making a polite request would far improve his chances of getting a drink without experiencing the mom look his flare for the dramatic overwhelmed the household.
FINE.  IF YOU DON'T CARE THAT I WILL DIE OF THIRST,
I. WILL. JUST. DRINK. MY. TEARS.

I. AM. SHUTTING. MY. DOOR. AND. I. AM. GOING. TO. DRINK. MY. TEARS.

If only he knew how hard it was for me to not burst out laughing.
I so wish this child of mine would be willing to join a theater group.
The possibilities for the future are just so great with that kind of creativity and drama!

Purposeful silence and still counting the joy!

Blogging is so difficult these days.
There is much going on.
With the divorce still in process and hearts raw in my home, the need for silence and privacy is profound.
Even personal triumphs are difficult to share.
While many would understand and rejoice, there are those who would/could twist and contort my words against me.
Silence has been and continues to be my friend.
Choosing to believe in the knowledge that my God knows and sees.
There is a time to speak and a time to be silent.
Discerning which to do is the challenge.
What we are rejoicing in these days:

• we fixed the exhaust fans in the bathroom! 
• a dishwasher we replaced and installed with help from a friend, last fall.  (The last couple of weeks, just recognizing what a blessing it is again to have a working dishwasher.)
• the kindness of strangers
• the many suprising ways God blesses us:  scholarships, words of encouragement, perfectly timed sales and coupons, placing us on the minds of others and in their own obedience reaching out... needs met before they were known.  
• soccer team of boys that are a good fit for one another  
• sunshine-y days and being able to get outside 
• the gift of free movie downloads from friends
• personal creativity 
• God appointed conversations that yield much needed wisdom before it is needed
• essential oils that just smell and feel so good while rubbing into sore muscles
• a crocus that bloomed where none had bloomed in 10 or so years! 
• much needed moisture in the form of Easter snow! 
• early spring garden taking off 

While choosing silence and focusing on the gifts of the moment, I have done a lot of pondering.  What would I type and for what purpose?  Am I prepared for any back lash that could come my way? There have been plenty of moments when away from technology a post comes to mind.  Thoughts on what we are learning.  Funny quoteables.  The next moment happens and then another.  More often than not, the memory of those posts pass just as quickly as the days do.  My hope is that the kids will remember me as being present in their day to day even if I did get photographed, or journaled, or blogged or facebooked.  

And in moments like these when a snuggle was needed, the non-furry children and furry children will feel loved because I chose them over my typing.

St Patrick's Day fun ~ Memories I want to savor!

My youngest fully embracing the green.  Turning inside out fleece lined jeans for the full effect!

Breakfast fun with the kids ** 2 dozen for 2-22 **

I have a love hate-relationship with donuts.
Love donuts.
Then I became a mom.
So not a fan of sugar high crazed kids.
But a late run to the grocery store last night and seeing these beauties marked down... and something came over me.
I was planning to just walk out with plain glazed.. and then I saw the chocolate.
Before I knew what was happening both boxes in the cart!
My kids know my feelings about donuts.
Donuts on a school morning translates into school work getting done issues.
The questions and shock were not disguised.
Without missing a beat, I looked at them and said, "Don't you know what tomorrow is?"  while getting dinner on the table.
The blank looks and quizzical looks.  I just don't know where this all came from, it was out of my mouth before my brain even knew what was happening.  A quick look at the calendar.  Tomorrow is 2-22.  We needed to have 2 dozen.  Happy 2-22 everyone!!

Then we prayed and had our chicken enchiladas.

This morning, I heard commotion about cereal.  Kids were eating cereal.  I said nothing.
About an hour into the morning my "wake up and eat later" kid asked if he could have a donut.
Jaws hit the floor.  Kids were saying, you know what mom thinks about donuts, you have to eat something else before you can have a donut!  I just looked at them. Because I was on the verge of saying "Yes! have a donut!"  Just don't know what alien has overtaken me.  I just hope the kids don't get used to it and expect the alien to stay.  Instead of allowing the alien to speak, I said have a yogurt or cereal and then have at the donuts!

They all went running for donuts.. It was a 2-22 score for this mom! They must be growing up because the sugar high isn't keeping them from their work.

Finding creative ways to show my teens I love them

Sometimes it is just the little things.  Then sometimes it is the silly and frivolous things.

Last summer we learned there were people who would post it another person's car!  

The news and then seeing cars done was just a bit shocking for this frugal momma! 

Didn't they know how expensive post it notes could be??  

Especially to only be blown away and trashed and not used beyond prankstering?? !! ?? 

My practical side can be a bit of a buzz kill sometimes. 

So I often just keep my lips zipped. 

In all honesty though, post it notes are far easier to deal with than shoe polish. 

Especially in Kansas heat. 

Then one day, something possessed me.  A goofy, silly, overwhelming sense came over me.  

It started with activating the sticky notes on one teenager's computer.  I was just going to leave one little note that said "I love you."  And then I was taken over by creativity....

and silliness... 

and oneriness...

All I can say, is there is a limit to how many sticky notes that can be "placed" on a laptop screen!! 

My $5 gift card to Starbucks came ~ joy, joy, joy!!

Last month I posted about an email I received from Starbucks.  I was asked to complete a survey, in exchange I would receive a $5 gift card.  For less than 5 minutes of my time.
Well it came !!   Thank you Starbucks!!  I am looking forward to my next treat.

Earasers!!

They came!  They fit!!
I discovered these over a year ago and they were a game changer.
I have issues with my auditory processing as the result of a car accident/concussion.
Too much noise and I struggle.
Struggle. A. Lot.
After joining a few online groups and discovering I was not alone in this, someone mentioned giving these a try.
Game changer.  My kids have noticed a huge improvement.
I am back to experiencing more of life.

I orginally bought size small but sometime late last year, they were not fitting me well.  They seemed to go a bit deeper in my ear.  Something seemed off.  It took me a while to just sit down and order new ones.  I took a chance and ordered the next size up and what a difference! The fit is better.  When the fit is better so is the noise blocking capabilities.  

Union Station ~ Fun Memories

I have got some pretty awesome kids. They leave me amazed.  With my oldest son playing hockey, we find ourselves on the road quite a bit for games.  I have routinely tried to make sure each trip included something unique to the area we were visiting and something different than hockey.  Part of it is because I have felt sorry for the younger kids.  Part of it is for my own sanity.  If I am going to drive all those miles and freeze in a rink (loving almost every minute of it) I would like to see a little bit more of these towns than their local ice rinks.  Thankfully, the internet is a wonderful resource for finding things to do.  Kansas City is a frequent spot.  Sometimes we visit regular favorites like Legends Outdoor Mall, other times we find something new.  About a year ago, during a visit, we popped into Union Station.  It was decorated for Christmas and there were a whole bunch of Gingerbread Houses on display.  Our imaginations were caught.  Unfortunately we didn't have time to stay.  It was put on the list.  Recently, with a game forfeited and extra time I asked the kids what was one thing they would like to do for fun.  Anywhere between home and Kansas City.  We had some extra time.  Union Station was the answer!  This time I put them in charge of the internet search.  Times, details, etc.  With a little bit of guidance they figured out how to explore the internet and learn more about Union Station.
Anticipation was building. But none of it prepared them for what we found.

Memories I want to savor

It all started with a 4 year old out of the blue saying he wanted to play hockey!
I looked at him and said, you don't even know what hockey is.
To which, he looked me straight and said, yes I do.  He proceeded to tell me all about it.
How did he know about hockey? I did not know.  We were a little bitty family of 5 in Kansas.  Basketball.  Baseball.  Football.  Those were the sports people talked about.  Occassionally swimming, volleyball, golf, etc.  Not hockey.

Apparantly, he flipped channels on the basement tv and came across a hockey game.  He was captivated.  He knew more about hockey at 4 years of age than anyone I knew. Sundays on his way home from church he would announce he was going to watch the hockey game.  The first time he did this, I told him there wasn't a hockey game on tv.  Kansas, mind you.  Hockey wasn't a Kansas thing back then.  He looked at me and said, yes there is.  Very respectfully and serious.  I responded with, "How do you know?"  "Because there is," he said.
Four years old and he didn't know how to read and I tried like the dickens to manage tv time.  But he intuitively knew and he was right!  His fascination did not abate.

Next step was ice skating lessons. I thought that would take some time and we would see how long his interest lasted.

Um yeah, right!?!?

Hearing and speech update....

Last week, I posted here about my journey in addressing my speech issues and auditory processing issues.
I passed the hearing tests with flying colors.
No suprise there.
This week though, I did the auditory processing testing.
A whole other story.
My first two tests I do okay on.
The sweet lady who did my testing told me at that point, she was thinking, wow she is doing good, maybe we don't have a problem.
That quickly changed when the third test started and then the fourth was done.
She looked at me and said "You are suprised are you?"
Yes and no.
At the time, I felt like I hadn't "missed" enough on the test for anyone to see there was a problem.
I anticipated needing to miss a lot of answers for there to be a problem to be acknowledged.
So my suprise was the fact they did see the problem.
Apparantly, there is not a whole lot of room for error on these tests.

It's the little things!! Thanks Starbucks!!

Earlier in January I blogged about getting some super duper delicious Starbucks samples in the mail. 

Today I received this email: 

But the email was sent earlier today at 10:30.  Chances were slim, I was responding in time to earn the gift card.  

And yet this was the response when I completed the survey:  

Talk about happy dance!!!! Especially after this morning's wonderful indulgance.  I have a super sweet barista in my house.  She loves coffee.  Preferably black.  Yet, she likes her sweets too and has discovered how to make me a peppermint mocha at home.  This is what welcomed me to my day this morning after my shower... Oh bliss!! I was gently informed my youngest is in training and contributed the chocolate chips.  They just may need to open their own cafe one day.  

Checking out my hearing and speech... new stuff on the horizon!

I am so super excited!
Just before the holidays, I received a recommendation to contact a speech center here in town.
They aren't very well known, at least to my medical providers.
A frustration all within itself.  But I keep reminding myself God's timing is perfect and to trust in His timing.

Today, my first appointment.
I had spoken to them on the phone.
Kind people.  Compassionate people.
Again no promises.
Vision therapy has gone as far as it can for now.
My vision issues can continue to get better on their own and I have exercises to continue and one more follow up appointment.
However, I am still slow and the thought is it is an issue with processing.
I have testing results that concur.
So... I called.
Because insurance is the way it is.
They must have tests to prove I can hear and I don't have a hearing problem, that is what we did today.
Perfectly good hearing!  In all the normal ranges.

One of the best parts about today, is what I would normally shed tears over.
Life has been rough the last couple of weeks.  Worn down and exhausted, by the time I was called for testing, my speech was declining and just short of a train wreck.
God's timing is perfect.  He knew how life was going to roll.  He knew I would struggle.
He provided the perfect opening in the schedules for this appointment to happen.
Those doing my hearing tests heard my speech.
The speech specialist I spoke to on the phone came by to introduce herself.
She was able to hear my speech.
The best part was no one was alarmed or upset.
They weren't frustrated or angry.
They didn't talk down to me.
Didn't get frustrated.
They were kind and interested and encouraging.
What triggers?  What helps?
Explaining, I live life in such a way to minimize issues as much as possible, but I can't prevent sick kids, crazy upside down days or weeks or noisy stores.
It was so good to have my speech problems in a setting where I just might be able to find help.

Something New and Old and Precious.. Much to be grateful for!

I tried something new!
Not necessarily new new, but new to me since the accident!
So incredibly proud of myself.

The singles group at church had a bowling night.
I don't do too well in loud and noisy places.
But with my Ear-asers, I can normally enjoy myself for a little longer.
These ear plugs are amazing!

Before going, I had already decided I would just hang out and visit and cheer everyone on.
I had had a leisurely morning, but the afternoon, early evening hours had been challenging.
So off I went.
I just wasn't prepared with a sudden burst o discontent.
I wanted to "play," I didn't want to just sit and watch.
When I found out I could pay for just one game...
I decided what did I have to lose if I couldn't finish?
Then I was like, what if I fall?
What do I have to lose? My pride...
Well, I have lost that pretty much already.. so why not!
With a quick prayer that I wouldn't fall and encouragement from friends...
I bowled.

I did it!
8 frames in, I was tired.

So proud of this guy!

He worked hard for just under 2 weeks.  

The drama!  The tears! The frustration!  

Perseverance... 

A steadfast Momma (Some would say stubborn).... 

Encouraging siblings... 

Perspective shared... 

Dismay and Discouragement were challenged and chased away... 

And then VICTORY! 

New Year!

Wow it is a new year!

Looking back over the last year, I find myself with a mixture of emotions. So much has changed.

A year ago, I was so afraid.  So heart broken.  I worked hard to hold onto my faith that God was good. And now...
I struggle with fear so much less.
It is still there... the unknown can be so scary.
But I am not in its grips like I was. 
I have learned a little bit more about what it means to trust in God. 
So much to learn. 
The kids and I are healing.
We are learning to have a voice. 
We are learning to stand up for ourselves. 
We are learning to be okay with rejection. Because rejection does not mean we have necessarily done anything wrong.  Sometimes it means we have done something right and are moving forward. 


There is so much to be excited for and to anticipate in this coming year. 
New friends. New experiences. 
New hope.
Happy Exciting New Year!