Treasured joys and memories from the Holiday Season

Gratitude leads to Joy

A truth, I hope my children allow to sink deep into their souls.

Love setting up the Nativity. 

A Christmas gift from my mom many years ago.

For the first time ever I have an angel for the top of my tree! 

She is beautiful. 

My children noticed her immediately, which surprised me greatly.

First words out of their mouths when they walked in the door,

"You got an angel!"

They knew I had been looking, but I never told them I found one. 

This journal ~ an unexpected gift that brought me to tears. 
An difficult day, a friend delivered a wrapped gift for now or later.
I tucked it away under the tree. 

She had no idea, this simple journal I had passed over time and time again. 
Always something else on the list that received priority. 

But God knew..

Oh, how the tears flowed on Christmas morning. 

God is in the details and timing and He loves us so.

Grading Giggles and Smiles for Mom ~ Homeschooling Moments

Grading this morning, this essay was in the pile.  Written by my son.  When I looked at the essay options, it was a no brainer.  He is a man of few words.  He clearly has his own set of priorities.  When it is important to him, he is always able to communicate very well.  Food has been and will always be on the top of his priorities list.  He has been interested in the kitchen since he was born.  Very in tune with the smells and aromas in the home and with a desire to sample and participate in family dinners long before he was able or even should sample table food, due to his preemie status.  What do you think?  I think it might, also, be hint to his momma, who is also his teacher... A dinner option sometimes soon, maybe?  

   Lasagna is one of my most favorite foods in part to the ease of preparation, the flavor, and the aroma. First of all, it is fairly easy to prepare. Then once in the oven and it begins to cook it has a marvelous aroma that fills the house. The smell seems to make it almost impossible to wait for it to come out of the oven. When it comes out, and you sit down to eat it is easy to savor every bite because of the amazing flavor of fresh herbs and spices as well as the melted cheese. Smell, taste, and ease of preparation are just a few reasons why lasagna is my favorite food.

Capable but slow!

As this year is ending, I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude for the way God directed my path.  Last holiday season, I learned of vision therapy services that could help.  No promises, just a maybe.

I have done a lot of testing over the last couple of months.  Initially when the testing started there were some pretty low scores.  My latest scores were a mixed bag of low and astonishingly high and improved.  

It isn't the numbers so much, but what the numbers reveal.  

These wonderfully kind people don't just focus on the numbers. 

So as we reviewed the scores, I heard and received the most encouraging words.  

These scores show, "You are capable, just slow."

I am slower, much slower than I used to be.  It is exceedingly frustrating.  But I am learning, trying to learn to be content.  But what did my heart good was to hear I was capable.  Sometimes in slowness, efficiency becomes an issue.  I have questioned what I have to offer if all the things I used to be good at, I am not good at anymore?   What can I do?  

Add on top of it all, that there is a divorce happening, all sorts of questions about self worth and acceptance and the future just roll around in one's heart, mind and soul.  

But this office of people, they are good and kind.  

They see the struggle.  

They can even measure it. 

They see potential and capability. 

They accept. 

My latest appointment was to announce, I have graduated.  I am moving into monthly appointments and then will be released from therapy!  I am "passing" where I need to improve.  I have to admit there was some anxiety, because even the vision issues are still variable.  Not as much, but still... So the doctor and I talked.  Variability, it is there to stay. I will have to do what I need to do to take care of myself and thus limit variability and then accept when life goes awry and adjust.  Maybe one day as the brain heals and develops new pathways there will be less variability.  But the anxiety was still there.  I asked him about our last conversation when he stated if I could reach a certain "percentage" then there would be a hope that  I would be "average in functioning".  Related to my concerns about divorce, eventually needing to work, medical prognosis of another doctor and just general concerns and worries.  If I am slow and not "good" at what I used to be "good" at then what?  Bless this man's heart... I believe God just entered the room that moment and spoke through him.  

"Knowing what I know about you, as an employer, I would expect it would take you longer to learn (train) things.  I would expect you might be more forgetful and need reminders and make more mistakes. If I didn't know any of this about you, I might not realize there was an underlying condition at all. I might wonder why you can't remember or why you keep making mistakes and why you haven't learned it yet, but I have experienced this with other people."  His compassion and kindness just overwhelmed me.  You see I have been asking these kind of questions for a while.  His words that he chose at that moment communicated acceptance and hope.  

Then the doctor took on a father/uncle type demeanor and gave me some firm advice and instructions about the future and different options I should look into and consider.  Then he provided me with details regarding therapy with speech and language pathologists that could benefit my vision and speech. (This bit of hope was so important, especially since my speech is a huge concern about what kind of job I can have when my speech is variable.)  Then he said, "Merry Christmas and see you at your next appointment!"

The demeanors of my care providers are unique and greatly varied.  While all of them are honest, some are more able to present facts in a way truth is acknowledged but encouragement and hope is also offered.  

Another week with more good news and progress being made!

Another week, another therapy session and more evaluating done.
This time I completed 4 timed activities.
Improvements on all 4!
Oh joy of joys.
Especially, since I went in tired and struggling.
The very first one, my eyes and brain were struggling it out.  It was hard work.  The frustrating thing is I know the "old me" wouldn't have struggled or thought it was hard at all.  At first there was a concern about doing it on a day when I felt "off."  But I wanted to know how I would do on a bad or semi-bad day, not just on a good day.
So we proceeded.
That first "test."  I improved my score.  I really improved my score.
I struggled through it.  I was able to explain to her what was hard and she referenced other test scores and said it completely made sense.  Regardless, I improved.  Significantly, amazingly, exceedingly beyond imagination improvement.  I could only smile and cup my hands over my tears.  The joy.  The inner fist pumping in my heart.  Tears not yet spilling.  My therapist was ecstatic she could not wait to score my efforts.  It was a "see how much you can do in this many minutes" evaluation... I doubled my efforts!  Huge!
So onto the next 3 evaluations.  They involved reading aloud.  Immediately, I knew it went better.  Even though I could tell my eyes were working hard, I wasn't struggling to read aloud (say the numbers) as I have in the past.  Speaking can be such a challenge sometimes.  I knew my times had improved.  I will get my scores next week.  My times were fast enough to get me on the chart my therapist believed.  I have been less than 1% each time tested but with faster times.  It looks like, I have made it to the "Top 100" chart this week.  May not be passing yet, but improving.  I will take it and celebrate it.  Looking forward to next week.
I started writing down times to refer to on days when I am feeling discouraged.  Just a reminder things are moving along in the right direction.
My therapist was concerned to tell me that I wasn't "passing" yet.

A little bit of kitty love in the sunshine and gentle reminders from God...

This guy;

speaks to my heart so much sometimes. 

We laugh when we say he is emotionally constipated.  And when we say he is an emotional eater.  

He is quirky.  And aren't we all? 

He has his own emotional need issues, and don't we all?  

Counting joy and reflecting on the past week

I have been reflecting on my accomplishments this past week.

I traveled this weekend with my kids.  I had minimal bumps along the way.  The kids have been great.  They have been walking this road with me and learning right along with me.  As time passes, there are fewer and smaller bumps.

We have all learned to respect my limitations and live with "pacing" ourselves/me.  That means the trip was "quieter" than past trips.  Relaxing.  If I overdo, then I am down for who knows how long.  We have been learning to say no for the short term so in the long term and big picture it is only a little no, and more yeses.  (For instance, I may need to say no to a 30 minute run to the store, so I can rest.  Rested means I will be able "to do" the next 4 hours.)  It is frustrating.  I like being able 'to do'.  I remind myself regularly though it doesn't hurt the kids to hear "no,"and to do without.  "No" sometimes teaches creativity, contentment, compassion, and consideration.

Along with traveling, we were able to visit and connect with old friends/acquaintances.  Life just has a way of happening and interfering with moments to just sit and visit.  Or if you are a kid, to run and play and be silly with other kids. .

I managed to cook dinner Sunday with minimal intervention and help from them.  Their help was only needed because I was up to my wrists in bread dough and then I cut myself.  In spite of it all, dinner was made in 35 minutes.  This is huge in our house.  I have done a lot of relearning in the last year.  Cooking has been an issue but it is getting easier.  Monday night, I had another dinner success and score in the kitchen!!  So incredibly grateful for the Holy Spirit prompts and nudges that help me get through each day.

Laundry is caught up.  The dryer issues have all been resolved.

The dishwasher issues are almost completed.

Winterizing projects for the house are underway!

School lessons are getting done.  Some of the lessons are definitely God orchestrated because there is no other way to explain how they perfectly tie into what is happening in our own little personal world.  God is just so amazingly gentle and kind, going before us in this manner.

There is a plan for the remaining house chores.

More good news ~

After my last post about test results, I worked up my courage to share with my therapists.  I told them how much I appreciated hearing the test results and having them compared to when I started.  I told them I had been struggling with discouragement and just wondering how things were going.  Even though I had a few tangible "new" abilities it is sometimes difficult to notice improvements when the changes occur gradually.
Bless her beautiful heart, she told me she just had another client tell her the same thing and she took her through her chart and showed her the improvements.
So we sped through the process of getting my next week planned out and she opened the notebook.

Just that day, I did a task I had not done in months.  When I first attempted it, I was far from passing. Last Tuesday, I was still not passing, but I was so much closer that the idea of passing is conceivable!
Over and over again she showed me my initial scores.  They were so low.  She showed me over and over how I improved.  My first week few weeks she told me they had to make so many modifications to just the basic exercises.  She had never experienced a need to do this in all her years working in vision therapy.  Never.  Last Tuesday, they gave me an exercise typically given to clients who are exiting the weekly appointment routine and moving forward into more independent work.  Tears.  Good tears.  I may not "see" what is happening, but it is happening.

She ended the appointment with the news I will be going through a lot more testing soon.  More good news to come.

This is incredibly encouraging.  I am entering winter again.  I have not had a winter season since the accident where I felt confident in how I process things visually. Christmas lights, dark earlier in the day.  I am hopeful and cautious. I know only time will tell.  For now, I celebrate that in my peripheral vision, I can see doorknobs and recognize them.  As I type here, I can see the lamp to my left and clearly make out its lines and I can see the pillow to my right and make out the lines in the pattern.  Fatigue is always a factor and it is early in this day.  For this moment though I rejoice in these things!

I did the week's homework and what had me groaning in the office last week has been a confidence booster as I have experienced the exercises becoming somewhat easier.  

Grateful seems such a small word for the fullness I fill in my heart.