Tonight the tears flow.
It has been a difficult day.
A difficult week.
A difficult month.
A difficult year.
A difficult marriage.
A difficult life.
I have been yelled and screamed at more minutes, hours and days than I count.
Tonight the tears flow, the urge to feel sorry for myself and to go down that road is strong.
After this night and it not being the first night of listening to:
My dear one(s) wish for my death.
Heap the blame on me for the divorce.
And then wish for themselves to be dead because it is all just too painful.
I just can't speak. Words won't come.
I just am frozen where I sit.
I knew the day would come.
My kids are smart.
Sometimes too smart for their own good, for my own good.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Monday, April 4, 2016
Adjusting and Healing in Ways Unexpected
I started this post months ago.
My heart was raw...
It needed to sit for awhile.
I needed to sit for a while.
My head and my heart, they know Truth. But my flesh, my person still grieves loss still the same.
While in the midst of loss I am able to find much gain and joy, the losses still leave a void and ache. That void and ache is sometimes compounded by the fact my losses don't affect only me. It isn't only myself that must face the changes in my abilities or lifestyle but also those closest to me. Even though I encouraged independence and self-sufficiency, I still did a lot for my family. As time went by, we noticed more losses as the number of people in our lives dwindled. Not that they didn't care but we were no longer as active and involved in things as we once were. Just more loss.
So, I delayed in sharing the following, because I just needed a bit more time to soak in the conversation between my son and I. So grateful I am, for this memory. For the healing that allowed this conversation to happen.
January 2016:
My oldest son and I went to my latest appointment together.
We weren't sure how much the testing would affect me.
Since most of his school is online and they have wi-fi, he didn't lose too much from doing his assignments.
He joined us as we went over the preliminary results.
My heart was raw...
It needed to sit for awhile.
I needed to sit for a while.
My head and my heart, they know Truth. But my flesh, my person still grieves loss still the same.
While in the midst of loss I am able to find much gain and joy, the losses still leave a void and ache. That void and ache is sometimes compounded by the fact my losses don't affect only me. It isn't only myself that must face the changes in my abilities or lifestyle but also those closest to me. Even though I encouraged independence and self-sufficiency, I still did a lot for my family. As time went by, we noticed more losses as the number of people in our lives dwindled. Not that they didn't care but we were no longer as active and involved in things as we once were. Just more loss.
So, I delayed in sharing the following, because I just needed a bit more time to soak in the conversation between my son and I. So grateful I am, for this memory. For the healing that allowed this conversation to happen.
January 2016:
My oldest son and I went to my latest appointment together.
We weren't sure how much the testing would affect me.
Since most of his school is online and they have wi-fi, he didn't lose too much from doing his assignments.
He joined us as we went over the preliminary results.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
I am so glad bedrooms have doors on them
Seriously, I am so glad there are bedroom doors.
I am grateful for the sanctuary they create.
When I just don't know what else to do....
When there are just no words to be said....
When the emotions are just too big....
When the need for quiet is great...
When trying to not laugh is going to cause me to choke....
there is only one thing left to be said...
Oh the drama!
It is Sunday afternoon.
There are two in my home that are intent on making life interesting.
This sums them up:
I could only hope their drama is this amicablely planned.
Today, I just could not do one more minute.
I either had to babysit their free time or seek sanity for myself.
Sanity won.
I sent them to their own rooms.
For one, the isolation is just more than can be tolerated.
Every excuse imaginable was created for exiting.
Shock at my insistance to remain behind a closed door.
If only he understood it was in his best interest.
I am not feeling well. I am tired and I am in pain.
When all else failed, the next attempt to exit was because "I am thirsty."
The concept of asking if he may get a drink has escaped him.
He just feels entitled.
ENTITLED.
When I point out making a polite request would far improve his chances of getting a drink without experiencing the mom look his flare for the dramatic overwhelmed the household.
FINE. IF YOU DON'T CARE THAT I WILL DIE OF THIRST,
I. WILL. JUST. DRINK. MY. TEARS.
I. AM. SHUTTING. MY. DOOR. AND. I. AM. GOING. TO. DRINK. MY. TEARS.
If only he knew how hard it was for me to not burst out laughing.
I so wish this child of mine would be willing to join a theater group.
The possibilities for the future are just so great with that kind of creativity and drama!
I am grateful for the sanctuary they create.
When I just don't know what else to do....
When there are just no words to be said....
When the emotions are just too big....
When the need for quiet is great...
When trying to not laugh is going to cause me to choke....
there is only one thing left to be said...
"GO TO YOUR ROOM"
It is Sunday afternoon.
There are two in my home that are intent on making life interesting.
This sums them up:
I could only hope their drama is this amicablely planned.
Today, I just could not do one more minute.
I either had to babysit their free time or seek sanity for myself.
Sanity won.
I sent them to their own rooms.
For one, the isolation is just more than can be tolerated.
Every excuse imaginable was created for exiting.
Shock at my insistance to remain behind a closed door.
If only he understood it was in his best interest.
I am not feeling well. I am tired and I am in pain.
When all else failed, the next attempt to exit was because "I am thirsty."
The concept of asking if he may get a drink has escaped him.
He just feels entitled.
ENTITLED.
When I point out making a polite request would far improve his chances of getting a drink without experiencing the mom look his flare for the dramatic overwhelmed the household.
FINE. IF YOU DON'T CARE THAT I WILL DIE OF THIRST,
I. WILL. JUST. DRINK. MY. TEARS.
I. AM. SHUTTING. MY. DOOR. AND. I. AM. GOING. TO. DRINK. MY. TEARS.
If only he knew how hard it was for me to not burst out laughing.
I so wish this child of mine would be willing to join a theater group.
The possibilities for the future are just so great with that kind of creativity and drama!
Purposeful silence and still counting the joy!
Blogging is so difficult these days.
There is much going on.
With the divorce still in process and hearts raw in my home, the need for silence and privacy is profound.
Even personal triumphs are difficult to share.
While many would understand and rejoice, there are those who would/could twist and contort my words against me.
Silence has been and continues to be my friend.
Choosing to believe in the knowledge that my God knows and sees.
There is a time to speak and a time to be silent.
Discerning which to do is the challenge.
What we are rejoicing in these days:
And in moments like these when a snuggle was needed, the non-furry children and furry children will feel loved because I chose them over my typing.
There is much going on.
With the divorce still in process and hearts raw in my home, the need for silence and privacy is profound.
Even personal triumphs are difficult to share.
While many would understand and rejoice, there are those who would/could twist and contort my words against me.
Silence has been and continues to be my friend.
Choosing to believe in the knowledge that my God knows and sees.
There is a time to speak and a time to be silent.
Discerning which to do is the challenge.
What we are rejoicing in these days:
- we fixed the exhaust fans in the bathroom!
- a dishwasher we replaced and installed with help from a friend, last fall. (The last couple of weeks, just recognizing what a blessing it is again to have a working dishwasher.)
- the kindness of strangers
- the many suprising ways God blesses us: scholarships, words of encouragement, perfectly timed sales and coupons, placing us on the minds of others and in their own obedience reaching out... needs met before they were known.
- soccer team of boys that are a good fit for one another
- sunshine-y days and being able to get outside
- the gift of free movie downloads from friends
- personal creativity
- God appointed conversations that yield much needed wisdom before it is needed
- essential oils that just smell and feel so good while rubbing into sore muscles
- a crocus that bloomed where none had bloomed in 10 or so years!
- much needed moisture in the form of Easter snow!
- early spring garden taking off
While choosing silence and focusing on the gifts of the moment, I have done a lot of pondering. What would I type and for what purpose? Am I prepared for any back lash that could come my way? There have been plenty of moments when away from technology a post comes to mind. Thoughts on what we are learning. Funny quoteables. The next moment happens and then another. More often than not, the memory of those posts pass just as quickly as the days do. My hope is that the kids will remember me as being present in their day to day even if I did get photographed, or journaled, or blogged or facebooked.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
St Patrick's Day fun ~ Memories I want to savor!
My youngest fully embracing the green. Turning inside out fleece lined jeans for the full effect!
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Trying something new in my crockpot!
Ms. Scarlett, is a very faithful companion in my kitchen. (She is known by other names: crockpot, slow cooker.) She is a blessing regardless of her title. This past week, it was brought to my attention of another beautiful skill she has.
She can brown hamburger!
This tip just made my day. There are days, I just know the dinner hour is going to be difficult. Knowing this ahead of time is half the battle. Then coming up with solutions to reduce the number of steps in getting to the table is the other part of the battle. Mrs. Scarlett saves the dinner hour frequently. She warms up soups for lunch or dinner. She has made lasagna for me on days, I can't be home to slip it in the oven at the right time. She makes so many delightful dishes. I just never considered she had this blessed talent.
While this is not an extraordinarily difficult chore, it does sometimes require planning and effort on what could be very busy, exhausting and chaotic days. She doesn't do it quickly. But that is okay.. quickly done isn't always necessary. A friend of mine whispered this gem of knowledge to me via text. I was flabbergasted and excited all at once. She told me her personal assistant helps with Taco Tuesdays. At lunchtime she delegates the browning of hamburger. Hamburger + 1/4 cup of water + seasonings. A few hours later she gives it a stir and breaks up the hamburger and by dinner time, viola! All that is needed is the sides and maybe the adding of some beans to stretch the meat/protein of the night.
I am so excited because today, is one of those days, where I know I am going to need a little extra help later in the day. Sometimes cutting one 10 minute task off the to do list is all it takes to reduce the stress load of crazy family schedules.
She can brown hamburger!
This tip just made my day. There are days, I just know the dinner hour is going to be difficult. Knowing this ahead of time is half the battle. Then coming up with solutions to reduce the number of steps in getting to the table is the other part of the battle. Mrs. Scarlett saves the dinner hour frequently. She warms up soups for lunch or dinner. She has made lasagna for me on days, I can't be home to slip it in the oven at the right time. She makes so many delightful dishes. I just never considered she had this blessed talent.
While this is not an extraordinarily difficult chore, it does sometimes require planning and effort on what could be very busy, exhausting and chaotic days. She doesn't do it quickly. But that is okay.. quickly done isn't always necessary. A friend of mine whispered this gem of knowledge to me via text. I was flabbergasted and excited all at once. She told me her personal assistant helps with Taco Tuesdays. At lunchtime she delegates the browning of hamburger. Hamburger + 1/4 cup of water + seasonings. A few hours later she gives it a stir and breaks up the hamburger and by dinner time, viola! All that is needed is the sides and maybe the adding of some beans to stretch the meat/protein of the night.
I am so excited because today, is one of those days, where I know I am going to need a little extra help later in the day. Sometimes cutting one 10 minute task off the to do list is all it takes to reduce the stress load of crazy family schedules.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Passport to Purity by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
The past month we started up on Passport to Purity again.
Ideally, it is done in a weekend.
Parent and child go away and have a special weekend together.
Sometimes life and the schedule are in agreement... sometimes not.
With two of the kids, get aways were possible.
Now with two, that wasn't possible.
I put it off and put it off until child number 4 just isn't getting any younger!
So back in February when we were headed up to Kansas City for a weekend, we started up Passport to Purity again.
We worked through the first 2 CDs as a family during the drive.
The first two CDs address a lot about being able to talk with your parents and peer pressure and friendships. They also encourage young men and women to begin to think about the choices they want to make in the future. What was great about doing this a family, is getting to hear from the older kids and the perspective they have now several years later. The younger ones really do look up to and listen to their older siblings, it is a great opportunity for them to hear from someone else other than just me. Life is just full and busy and sometimes it just doesn't fit into the dinner conversation to talk about some of these topics, so revisiting and introducing the opportunity to think about friends, choices, peer pressure and personal struggles during the car ride was good.
Recently, my (number 4) asked if we could skip youth group one night to work through the next cd. We did! We survived and it was good. We are almost done. I appreciate getting to listen to the cd while someone else brings up the difficult topics and explanations. We listen together.. laugh..roll the eyes and sigh with relief when cd 3 is complete. Some things are just not easy to talk about. But it is so important to do it. The great thing about Passport to Purity is they do a lot of the difficult talking, (the telling) and I get to bond with my kiddo over how uncomfortable it was to listen to all "that stuff" and just ask and answer questions and chat and listen.
This is our car setup. The cd player in the car has gobbled up a cd and isn't willing to let it go right now, so we went to plan B. We have a tape player (in the suburban) + a tape that plugs into our mobile devices. Our mobile devices then play and it is broadcasted through our car's sound system. Pretty nifty. In the process, my kids have discovered what a "portable cd player"/Walkman is!! When we went to Wal-mart and were asking about them, the sales guy (a teenager) asked, "You want a boom box?" No, nothing that big! Too funny. Technology today...
Ideally, it is done in a weekend.
Parent and child go away and have a special weekend together.
Sometimes life and the schedule are in agreement... sometimes not.
With two of the kids, get aways were possible.
Now with two, that wasn't possible.
I put it off and put it off until child number 4 just isn't getting any younger!
So back in February when we were headed up to Kansas City for a weekend, we started up Passport to Purity again.
We worked through the first 2 CDs as a family during the drive.
The first two CDs address a lot about being able to talk with your parents and peer pressure and friendships. They also encourage young men and women to begin to think about the choices they want to make in the future. What was great about doing this a family, is getting to hear from the older kids and the perspective they have now several years later. The younger ones really do look up to and listen to their older siblings, it is a great opportunity for them to hear from someone else other than just me. Life is just full and busy and sometimes it just doesn't fit into the dinner conversation to talk about some of these topics, so revisiting and introducing the opportunity to think about friends, choices, peer pressure and personal struggles during the car ride was good.
Recently, my (number 4) asked if we could skip youth group one night to work through the next cd. We did! We survived and it was good. We are almost done. I appreciate getting to listen to the cd while someone else brings up the difficult topics and explanations. We listen together.. laugh..roll the eyes and sigh with relief when cd 3 is complete. Some things are just not easy to talk about. But it is so important to do it. The great thing about Passport to Purity is they do a lot of the difficult talking, (the telling) and I get to bond with my kiddo over how uncomfortable it was to listen to all "that stuff" and just ask and answer questions and chat and listen.
This is our car setup. The cd player in the car has gobbled up a cd and isn't willing to let it go right now, so we went to plan B. We have a tape player (in the suburban) + a tape that plugs into our mobile devices. Our mobile devices then play and it is broadcasted through our car's sound system. Pretty nifty. In the process, my kids have discovered what a "portable cd player"/Walkman is!! When we went to Wal-mart and were asking about them, the sales guy (a teenager) asked, "You want a boom box?" No, nothing that big! Too funny. Technology today...
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