If I believe Your Word is True...
If I believe You, God, are who You say You are...
If I believe everything I have taught my children is true...
Then how does it all apply to this moment..these moments in my life right now.
This moment, these moments are in the midst of a difficult marriage, difficult life experiences.
So I keep asking, "If these things are true, then what do I do next?" "How do I honor You and Your Word in this situation?" These aren't easy questions. Partially, these questions are motivated because I have children. I know they are watching. I know they are walking this road with me/us. I know how I choose to proceed could affect how they perceive God, Church, the Bible. I know this is where "I practice what I preach" or risk them seeing hypocrisy and question what is the point in regards to church, God and the Bible. Much is on the table. There is much to be lost in terms of eternity. I know it isn't all on my shoulders, they will be responsible for their choices. BUT I do not have to add poor choices on my part to their challenges in defining their own faith. I can walk this road open and honestly before them and God. I can choose to ask these questions. I can be humble and open and expose my own human frailty and struggles and dependence on God. They can see that a "confession of faith" and the magic concept of "adulthood" doesn't mean we have it all figured out, but that learning is constant, seeking is constant, humility is constant, and repentance is a constant. Being open reveals that actions don't always reflect what is in the heart and God sees the heart, He knows when hearts and actions are not in line. He knows what lies in the secret places of our hearts that we don't want anyone else to see.
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Luke 10:27
So I ask and seek.
If God hates divorce then what?
So I have been talking to God about this. This is what I am learning.
He hates divorce.
He really hates it.
It is easy then as a Christian to walk around and proclaim with picket signs and placards, "GOD HATES DIVORCE!"
But when God speaks strongly about something, He has a reason.
He likens hate towards a person as murder in 1 John 3:15.
I grew up being told not to say "hate," to not hate.
There was a good point for that lesson.
Yet as I camp out with God, there is balance in His word.
There is a time to hate and not hate.
So God hates Divorce. Malachi 2:16
In church, divorce hasn't been a favorite topic of discussion. If brought up it is quickly ended with God hates it. It is only permissible in the instance of adultery. Matthew 5:31-32
Yet, why does He hate divorce.
In some ways it is simple. It tears families apart. People hurt. It was not the intended outcome for marriage.
Hence, the part of vows: "till death do us part."
So if God hates it, why is there an allowance for it. Matthew 19:8 (NIV)
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. Because hearts were hard.
So I chatted some more with God. Why does Your Word say "because your hearts were hard"? What does it mean to have a hard heart?
In this season, I am also asking questions what makes legalism, legalism? What makes one church legalistic and another not legalistic? What does legalism look like? God's word says a lot about relationships.
1 Corinthians 13 gives instructions about what love looks like.
The book of 1 John discusses love in depth.
There are instructions for solving conflict.
Instructions regarding the sins of the heart vs ones actions. (Matthew 5:28, for instance).
The Old Testament deals with repentance for action based sins.
In the New Testament, Jesus addresses the hidden parts of the heart and motives.
I started to look at what does it mean to have a hard heart. I have prayed for years to not have a hardened heart, for God to protect me from my heart being hardened to Him and the suffering in this world. I want a heart open to and for God and others. When something hardens it becomes difficult to penetrate. It is difficult to cause it to change. A hardened heart is unwilling or resistant to change. A hardened heart is unaffected by the suffering of others, it lacks empathy and sympathy. A hardened heart may not care how actions affect others. A hardened heart can be a cruel thing to live with and God knows it.
As a parent, I don't allow my children to mistreat one another. They have heard me on more than one occasion say, "This is your sibling! This is your friend for life! Not in this house! Not under this roof! We do not treat one another this way. We love in this house. We forgive in this house. We repent and apologize in this house." If I, as a human parent, value the relationship between siblings and have this standard, does God feel no less as our Heavenly Father. If we are in Christ, brothers and sisters, would He not, also, say the same things? Does God tolerate a child of His, mistreating another child of His? NO! Hence all the Scriptures on relationships and loving one another... If a husband and wife are both believers, then they are both children of God and He would not tolerate the mistreating of one another. A hard heart often results in the mistreatment of someone. In divorce, there is often selfishness, anger and mistreatment of one another. There can be a looking out for one’s own self-interest at the expense of the other(s).
If my children mistreat each other, they get timeouts. They get separated. Repentance and forgiveness often follow. When the heart is hardened, when the heart is stubborn sometimes the consequences have to be altered. God knows this. He HATES divorce. Why? because it means His children are hurting one another. Jesus turned over tables because the people were being dishonest, they were taking advantage of those coming to offer sacrifices, they were trying to make a profit off people seeking to offer sacrifices of praise and for repentance and forgiveness of sins. They were doing this to their fellow Israelite, a “child of God.” The Israelites were/are considered Children of God. They were not being kind to their fellow "Children of God". God doesn't like it when we mistreat one another. As I walk this road towards my marriage ending in divorce, I am not seeking absolution. I am seeking God and how do I walk this road. I did not ask for divorce. I did not file for divorce. Yet here I am, so now what God? How do you see me? What do you think of me? This is where legalism has come in... If I seek God for help in making decisions, if I seek God for wisdom and divorce is filed, then am I doing something wrong? Did I hear You wrong God? Is there something more that I can do? There are some that are quick to say a marriage fails because of both people, both are responsible. A marriage takes two and it takes two to divorce. There are many to cite that new, healthy, God honoring boundaries resulted in the divorce decision, so, therefore I am stubborn and at fault. Frankly, that hurts. I am in no way perfect, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23. Yet, a marriage can end in divorce and it not be the fault of both parties. One could be completely blameless and still have to suffer through the horror of divorce. If it was possible to be completely perfect, perfect like Jesus, it is still possible to end up divorced. A divorce is between 2 people, yes. Two people with free will. At any given time, one of those individuals can choose to harden his or her heart. A harden heart is what allows someone to commit adultery, even though, they know it will hurt the other spouse. A harden heart is what allows someone to act selfishly. A harden heart is what allows someone to say, "This is who I am and I am not going to change." A harden heart is what allows someone to afflict another with pain and suffering. Both individuals are imperfect. Both sin. But when both are "Christians," both should be chasing after God, seeking Him, seeking to be more like Him... This would be characterized in practicing grace, forgiveness, confrontation in love & grace and true repentance that leads to reconciliation... and loving and forgiving even when attempts are made and made imperfectly.
It only takes one hardened heart so this picture of love, grace, forgiveness and repentance and reconciliation to become unbalanced. It is possible for divorce to happen because of one person. It is possible for a divorce to happen and one spouse to be "innocent". Not innocent of sin and wrongdoing, but innocent in the sense that where love, grace, forgiveness and repentance is not being mutually practiced. That is where legalism becomes very apparent. Sometimes divorce happens, in spite of every humanly attempted God honoring effort that is made. Legalism is an issue when stones are cast. Stones are sometimes these words:
"I am not going to take sides." To not take sides in the church community, takes sides. Especially when wrong doing is happening. To not stand up against sin and wrong doing. To not stand up and speak up on behalf of the hurting, your silence is taking a side.
"You both are at fault." Two wrongs don't make a right, one wrong does not make the other party guilty. If fault is going to be assigned, then assign it fairly and don't cast more fault and blame onto shoulders it doesn't belong.
"It takes two to fail at marriage."
"Well, I guess you are living with the consequences of sin." Would you say that to the parents of a murdered child? This lacks compassion and love on so many levels.
"It is hard, but that is what happens when people sin." Again would you say this to the parents of a murdered child? Lacking in compassion and love, casts a cloud of blame and shame.
"God hates divorce." Do you think I am enjoying this? Do you think I don't know that? Again, lacking compassion. Casting a blame and shame.
I am sure more could be added.
Legalism is what happens when one phrase, one part of Scripture is grabbed and held onto and spoken without compassion, kindness and love. Legalism is what happens when an individual feels the need to play "Holy Spirit" and point out the suffering could be avoided if the "sinning" wasn't happening. Legalism is what happens when friends and family decide to practice tough love and "shun", quit talking to, avoid and reject the people going through divorce. Legalism is what happens when people believe there is more that one person could possibly being doing without getting close enough to know the full story. Legalism happens when people are too busy to get involved but are quick to offer an opinion and share it. Legalism is a fence people put up to keep from getting "dirty." What it really prevents is a looking deep into one's own heart and seeing their own sin and desperate need for God. It is pride. It thinks I am better than... because I am not doing that...
Legalism is not Jesus. Jesus touched people. He got close enough to sinners to touch them. He got into their space. He knew the depths of their hearts. Yes, He knew because He was the Son of God, He has Holy Divine "Powers" to know the heart and soul of each person He spoke with and said to "sin no more."
But to avoid legalism, it is important to know... know one's self and one's own sinful heart and need for Jesus and to step along side and learn more of this other person...learn what God knows.... a fearfully and wonderfully made person that is hurting and desperately needs to be loved with the love of Jesus.
There is a difference between legalism and God directed confrontation/correction of sin. There is a difference. It goes deep into the heart. Deep into where God sees and knows. I have experienced both and can say there is distinct difference. I am not perfect. I ask God frequently, "How do I do this?" "What do I do?" and I tell Him, "This hurts and it isn't fair!" He reminds me:
Proverbs 24:12
”If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,” Does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?
It comforts me. God knows when I did wrong and didn't know it was wrong. He also knows when I have done wrong knowingly. He guards my life... He is present... He knows what I know when I know and He judges accordingly.
Psalm 146:3-5
Do not trust in princes,
In mortal man, in whom there is no salvation.
His spirit departs, he returns to the earth;
In that very day his thoughts perish.
How blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
Whose hope is in the Lord his God.
People will fail. I will fail. God has granted us all free will. But God will never fail. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. It is He I need to cling to and trust.
I grew up being told not to say "hate," to not hate.
There was a good point for that lesson.
Yet as I camp out with God, there is balance in His word.
There is a time to hate and not hate.
So God hates Divorce. Malachi 2:16
In church, divorce hasn't been a favorite topic of discussion. If brought up it is quickly ended with God hates it. It is only permissible in the instance of adultery. Matthew 5:31-32
Yet, why does He hate divorce.
In some ways it is simple. It tears families apart. People hurt. It was not the intended outcome for marriage.
Hence, the part of vows: "till death do us part."
So if God hates it, why is there an allowance for it. Matthew 19:8 (NIV)
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. Because hearts were hard.
So I chatted some more with God. Why does Your Word say "because your hearts were hard"? What does it mean to have a hard heart?
In this season, I am also asking questions what makes legalism, legalism? What makes one church legalistic and another not legalistic? What does legalism look like? God's word says a lot about relationships.
1 Corinthians 13 gives instructions about what love looks like.
The book of 1 John discusses love in depth.
There are instructions for solving conflict.
Instructions regarding the sins of the heart vs ones actions. (Matthew 5:28, for instance).
The Old Testament deals with repentance for action based sins.
In the New Testament, Jesus addresses the hidden parts of the heart and motives.
I started to look at what does it mean to have a hard heart. I have prayed for years to not have a hardened heart, for God to protect me from my heart being hardened to Him and the suffering in this world. I want a heart open to and for God and others. When something hardens it becomes difficult to penetrate. It is difficult to cause it to change. A hardened heart is unwilling or resistant to change. A hardened heart is unaffected by the suffering of others, it lacks empathy and sympathy. A hardened heart may not care how actions affect others. A hardened heart can be a cruel thing to live with and God knows it.
As a parent, I don't allow my children to mistreat one another. They have heard me on more than one occasion say, "This is your sibling! This is your friend for life! Not in this house! Not under this roof! We do not treat one another this way. We love in this house. We forgive in this house. We repent and apologize in this house." If I, as a human parent, value the relationship between siblings and have this standard, does God feel no less as our Heavenly Father. If we are in Christ, brothers and sisters, would He not, also, say the same things? Does God tolerate a child of His, mistreating another child of His? NO! Hence all the Scriptures on relationships and loving one another... If a husband and wife are both believers, then they are both children of God and He would not tolerate the mistreating of one another. A hard heart often results in the mistreatment of someone. In divorce, there is often selfishness, anger and mistreatment of one another. There can be a looking out for one’s own self-interest at the expense of the other(s).
If my children mistreat each other, they get timeouts. They get separated. Repentance and forgiveness often follow. When the heart is hardened, when the heart is stubborn sometimes the consequences have to be altered. God knows this. He HATES divorce. Why? because it means His children are hurting one another. Jesus turned over tables because the people were being dishonest, they were taking advantage of those coming to offer sacrifices, they were trying to make a profit off people seeking to offer sacrifices of praise and for repentance and forgiveness of sins. They were doing this to their fellow Israelite, a “child of God.” The Israelites were/are considered Children of God. They were not being kind to their fellow "Children of God". God doesn't like it when we mistreat one another. As I walk this road towards my marriage ending in divorce, I am not seeking absolution. I am seeking God and how do I walk this road. I did not ask for divorce. I did not file for divorce. Yet here I am, so now what God? How do you see me? What do you think of me? This is where legalism has come in... If I seek God for help in making decisions, if I seek God for wisdom and divorce is filed, then am I doing something wrong? Did I hear You wrong God? Is there something more that I can do? There are some that are quick to say a marriage fails because of both people, both are responsible. A marriage takes two and it takes two to divorce. There are many to cite that new, healthy, God honoring boundaries resulted in the divorce decision, so, therefore I am stubborn and at fault. Frankly, that hurts. I am in no way perfect, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23. Yet, a marriage can end in divorce and it not be the fault of both parties. One could be completely blameless and still have to suffer through the horror of divorce. If it was possible to be completely perfect, perfect like Jesus, it is still possible to end up divorced. A divorce is between 2 people, yes. Two people with free will. At any given time, one of those individuals can choose to harden his or her heart. A harden heart is what allows someone to commit adultery, even though, they know it will hurt the other spouse. A harden heart is what allows someone to act selfishly. A harden heart is what allows someone to say, "This is who I am and I am not going to change." A harden heart is what allows someone to afflict another with pain and suffering. Both individuals are imperfect. Both sin. But when both are "Christians," both should be chasing after God, seeking Him, seeking to be more like Him... This would be characterized in practicing grace, forgiveness, confrontation in love & grace and true repentance that leads to reconciliation... and loving and forgiving even when attempts are made and made imperfectly.
It only takes one hardened heart so this picture of love, grace, forgiveness and repentance and reconciliation to become unbalanced. It is possible for divorce to happen because of one person. It is possible for a divorce to happen and one spouse to be "innocent". Not innocent of sin and wrongdoing, but innocent in the sense that where love, grace, forgiveness and repentance is not being mutually practiced. That is where legalism becomes very apparent. Sometimes divorce happens, in spite of every humanly attempted God honoring effort that is made. Legalism is an issue when stones are cast. Stones are sometimes these words:
"I am not going to take sides." To not take sides in the church community, takes sides. Especially when wrong doing is happening. To not stand up against sin and wrong doing. To not stand up and speak up on behalf of the hurting, your silence is taking a side.
"You both are at fault." Two wrongs don't make a right, one wrong does not make the other party guilty. If fault is going to be assigned, then assign it fairly and don't cast more fault and blame onto shoulders it doesn't belong.
"It takes two to fail at marriage."
"Well, I guess you are living with the consequences of sin." Would you say that to the parents of a murdered child? This lacks compassion and love on so many levels.
"It is hard, but that is what happens when people sin." Again would you say this to the parents of a murdered child? Lacking in compassion and love, casts a cloud of blame and shame.
"God hates divorce." Do you think I am enjoying this? Do you think I don't know that? Again, lacking compassion. Casting a blame and shame.
I am sure more could be added.
Legalism is what happens when one phrase, one part of Scripture is grabbed and held onto and spoken without compassion, kindness and love. Legalism is what happens when an individual feels the need to play "Holy Spirit" and point out the suffering could be avoided if the "sinning" wasn't happening. Legalism is what happens when friends and family decide to practice tough love and "shun", quit talking to, avoid and reject the people going through divorce. Legalism is what happens when people believe there is more that one person could possibly being doing without getting close enough to know the full story. Legalism happens when people are too busy to get involved but are quick to offer an opinion and share it. Legalism is a fence people put up to keep from getting "dirty." What it really prevents is a looking deep into one's own heart and seeing their own sin and desperate need for God. It is pride. It thinks I am better than... because I am not doing that...
Legalism is not Jesus. Jesus touched people. He got close enough to sinners to touch them. He got into their space. He knew the depths of their hearts. Yes, He knew because He was the Son of God, He has Holy Divine "Powers" to know the heart and soul of each person He spoke with and said to "sin no more."
BUT first He KNEW them, then He forgave them, then He challenged them to sin no more.
But to avoid legalism, it is important to know... know one's self and one's own sinful heart and need for Jesus and to step along side and learn more of this other person...learn what God knows.... a fearfully and wonderfully made person that is hurting and desperately needs to be loved with the love of Jesus.
There is a difference between legalism and God directed confrontation/correction of sin. There is a difference. It goes deep into the heart. Deep into where God sees and knows. I have experienced both and can say there is distinct difference. I am not perfect. I ask God frequently, "How do I do this?" "What do I do?" and I tell Him, "This hurts and it isn't fair!" He reminds me:
Proverbs 24:12
”If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,” Does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?
It comforts me. God knows when I did wrong and didn't know it was wrong. He also knows when I have done wrong knowingly. He guards my life... He is present... He knows what I know when I know and He judges accordingly.
Psalm 146:3-5
Do not trust in princes,
In mortal man, in whom there is no salvation.
His spirit departs, he returns to the earth;
In that very day his thoughts perish.
How blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
Whose hope is in the Lord his God.
People will fail. I will fail. God has granted us all free will. But God will never fail. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. It is He I need to cling to and trust.
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