Just a little bit more about me....

I started off somewhat anonymously this blog.
Fear and anxiety these days are a part of my life almost as much getting up and taking a shower and brushing my teeth.

Online there is some anonymity. Yet, I can't disappear from those who know me completely.  I don't really want to either.  However, this season is difficult.  I am having to rediscover myself in some areas, reinvent myself in others and discover my "new" self and it is all happening at the same time.  I am slowly re-gaining self confidence and acceptance of where I am at today.  Yesterday was yesterday, tomorrow is tomorrow, but today at this given moment, this is where I am at and this is what I am able to do and that is okay.

Some might know me from my other blog, Beach Gardens. Currently, it is just too difficult, to post there.  Maybe one day, I will return.  I do love my Beach Gardens part of my life.  It is very much a part of me but for now, I am hear at Faithfully Leaning and Counting, because while I have leaned into God over the years, I am leaning even more heavily on Him than I have ever before.  And I am counting...counting the blessings He bestows on my daily and hourly.  Focusing on His blessings is what keeps me going and reminds me this moment, this pain and suffering is just for a season and He does love me.  He does care for me.  He does see me.  He is there.  So I keep on counting.  I count pennies.  Lots and lots of pennies, because every dollar starts with a penny and as my dad says, every pound starts with an ounce.

So this is me.  This is where I am at in life today.



My husband filed for divorce after 20 years of marriage.
It has been a painful and traumatic experience.  It is an ugly divorce.  I don't know if there is ever a "pretty" divorce.  I was speaking with someone this past week, (not a direct quote but the idea) "...filed for divorce and well, this is just another example of what was broken in the marriage.  It is just now out there for everyone to see.  Of course, people don't divorce because things are all pretty and rosy either, so there is hurt and anger and all the other unpleasant emotions.  It is just unfortunate, those emotions are spilling over and affecting your business.  Please accept my apologies..." Speaking these truths out loud were healing in that moment.
I am getting divorced.
My heart is broken.
I am grieved that I have no control over some of the spillage that is ocurring into others lives.  I am extremely grateful for those that have willingly stepped forward to walk along side with me, to comfort me, to encourage me and to cry with me.

I home school.  For how much longer, is yet to be determined.  I take it one day at a time.  I have 4 children still at home, with birthdays soon to come and change the numbers to the evens.  Currently, they are 15, 13, 11, and 9.

I suffered a brain injury just over 2 years ago.
One I suffered in silence from for too long.  Unable to express what was happening and what I was struggling with on a daily basis.  Determined to not let anything hold me back...until I just couldn't ignore what was going on any longer.  Then life fell apart and I started asking questions and I am learning.  Facing a life I didn't choose, but was handed to me.  I can find a lot of blessings in my injury.  I have learned much.  I have grown much.  It isn't easy.  It is extremely hard some days to live with and be a mom.  I still grieve over what is gone.  I grieve my ability to do and do and do.  I have learned words like "pacing myself" and not overdoing it.  I am learning how to live life without multi tasking!  Imagine a mom that just doesn't, can't multi-task. That pronouncement by doctors was received with the comment, "That is unacceptable, I am mom, Moms multi-task.  Unacceptable."  Well I am learning.  It is a good thing I am type A and a hard worker, I think it is what gives me the inner motivation to do things.  Yet it is also my biggest discouragement, because my memories are what I utilize to remember how to do something... Unfortunately, I am learning I need to adjust the process and my expectations.  Sometimes I become discouraged when it takes me longer than I remember and longer means other things can't be done either.  My kids are gracious.  My kids are my biggest cheerleaders.  These see me trying so hard.  They know how much I desperately love them and want to be present and able for them.

I coupon.  I try to sell stuff on eBay to stretch our budget.  I am frugal.  I love a great deal!  I love doing things with my kids.  Getting outside.  Checking things off of a to do list.  I love learning new things.  My interests and likes are so varied and vast it is overwhelming to answer the question, "What do you like to do?"  I can always find something to do and enjoy it, just depends on availability and affordability and energy and time.  I try to be present in and enjoy each and every moment.  When I do that, there are fewer regrets to be had.

So this is me, today anyhow.  Welcome to my little world in Cyberland.  I hope one day, my children will reflect back on and be able to see I loved them fiercely, I loved God whole heartedly, I never gave up, I embraced life and learning, and when life gives you speed bumps, you face them, you go over them, some times slowly, some times quickly.