I shared here and here what I have been learning about judgements, discernment and If God's word is True, then how does it apply to this...
Sometimes, as we begin to work on things with God and seek Him, bigger things get revealed.
Change often has a ripple effect.
Sometimes those ripples end up feeling like a tsunami.
The waves created can be overwhelming.
Being sinful beings, we all have some bad habits. Sometimes we like to do the comparison game and say, well this behavior isn't this... or everyone does it.... Maybe so, but it doesn't make it a good habit. Just sometimes our bad habits are more easily acceptable because to not accept it in another, means then maybe we would have to do something about it in our personal life and well that gets a little uncomfortable. If someone actually has the crazy notion to start making changes in their life, well then it just gets uncomfortable sometimes to be around them. Conflict increases. Next thing you know, this ripple effect is like the decision to clean a rug. You lift and roll the carpet up to take it outside and you end up seeing all the dust, debris and dirt underneath and maybe some of the flooring is rotting and needs replacing. That little project just became an expensive remodel.
As I wrote before, what has happened as I have gone along, is learn one thing and it leads to another question...
Working on logs, heart motives and if God's Word is true, then how does it apply to this present moment. If I take on Christ's name and call myself Christian then how do I live this moment? Some moments are far easier and require far less though. Then there are all the other moments in life. There is the reality that not everyone shares the same thought processing, motivation, or even life pursuit. Not everyone is interested in self growth for themselves individually. They are content with things just the way they are and see nothing wrong with doing things the way they always have done them. In some instances, it just isn't a big deal. Other times, it is a big deal. Then what?
God in every so careful and gentle way, began to show me. It started with questions about what is a boundary? I have heard people talk about boundaries left and right over the years. But now, as I am in this season, I am experiencing "trespassing" and stepping on my toes and realizing I need some boundaries. But how do I do that? How do I honor God and love others? How do I love others as I love myself? How do I do that without coming across as judgmental and critical and imposing what I am doing onto others? I started with asking myself what is a boundary, what does it mean? I naturally went geographically. A country, state, city and a home with a yard all have boundaries. This area here is within my defined realm of control. All of this within my "fence" is what I care for and protect. I can have rules about what comes in and what comes out of my borders. The next part of how do filter through what I know of God and how this all works, then led me to some books.
Some of the books you can find here, here, and here,. I have some more listed on my Amazon bookshelf widget at the bottom of my blog. Inevitably, through this journey, I have learned more than just a topic or a definition. I have learned how to discern character. I have also learned to more fully understand God's character, the essence of free will, and as a result, also, had to face the painful truths of free will.
While I wrestle out the me and my heart with God and work on changes, not every one is on that same page of doing so... that means some serious difference of opinions sometimes. Boundaries become something essential in life. We all have them, we just don't always identify them, define them or proactively create a line of defense. Boundaries, I have learned are even a God thing. God has boundaries. He is holy. He is righteous. He can.not.compromise on holiness or righteousness. He just can't. Enter Jesus. That is why Jesus came. Because of Jesus we can have a relationship with God. However, there is one condition: repentance and turning from our sin. He just can't compromise on sin. We have to turn from it and that is why we need Jesus. God says, if you sin, sin no more. Throughout Scripture He tells us He won't hear our prayers, He won't draw near when we are in the depths of sin. Repent and Turn from sin and He will be in relationship with us.
As I read the books on boundaries, it led me to the above realization. In the books on boundaries there is a formula. If you do A, I feel B. So when you do A, I will do C. The idea is to identify the behavior that you don't like. Ultimately, you can only be responsible for what you do. We can't tell someone they have to stop. However, we can tell them that if you choose to do this, because I feel this way, I won't interact with you anymore. If you want me to interact with you, then something needs to be done regarding this "action" (B). It has been a long process for me to process all this and understand. It was all the much easier to accept when I realized God was the first one to truly demonstrate this in His perfect Godly way with us. Easier to accept because I wondered if it wasn't a form of manipulation to follow the "formula." But the "formula" doesn't take away free will. The other person gets to choose what they will do, but we aren't obligated to endure or suffer for the simple fact we are a Christian.
In the midst of this learning, another dynamic presented itself. The declaration of "I can't change how you feel! and if you won't talk to me, these boundaries are unhealthy!" I had to do more soul searching, praying and reading and sitting quietly with my God. But it was in the moment I wasn't quiet. When I vented to a friend, that it all came tumbling out. It is possible to change how a person feels. My boundary was healthy. What had happened, was a rejection of responsibility for "A", the when you do "A". At that moment an action is defined. I never said you had to stop. I just said it hurt. I hurt. I didn't say you make me hurt. The action happens. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Newton's Law. Something has to happen after an action. Some kind of response/reaction. If I feel hurt, I get to choose whether or not to continue to feel the hurt. I get to choose C ~ What I will do. At that moment, I declared what I would do. I declared the action would affect the relationship and this is how. This other person then gets to choose, which is more important, the right to do as he/she pleases or to choose to be considerate of another's feelings. Either way, that choice has a reaction/response. At this point once the formula is stated the person is now making an informed decision. It is tough, it is hard and those who are not seeking to learn these things, often do not receive well the idea of boundaries being placed. But they do have a choice. They can change how a person feels...by choosing to change their actions.
Oh the freedom and joy! Like I said, this "little" tidbit did not come from just being silent. It came from heart wrenching venting of broken-ness. Of hurt and frustration and desiring to do what was right and nothing ending in the results I desired.
Which led me to this beautiful little nugget that I have had to highlight and swallow:
"It takes two to reconcile a relationship. I'm not responsible for the results. I'm not responsible for the other person's response to my efforts. I'm only responsible to do what God is calling me to do." ~ Dr. Robert Jones.
What struck me the most is "I'm not responsible for the results." My biggest struggle in this journey of life is when I try so hard to do what I am suppose to do and it ends so badly and awfully. Feeling like a failure and wondering what I did wrong. Sometimes we can follow the recipe and do everything right and the cake will still fall in the middle or the bread might not rise... maybe it the humidity, maybe there was a sudden shake of the Earth. If it doesn't turn out the way we expected it isn't always because we did something wrong. Maybe we did. But if those who are involved are Believers and are truly walking the walk and talk and practicing the Grace and Love and Mercy of God, if we added a pinch too much of salt, there would be the Grace, Love, Mercy and Forgiveness that said it is okay, lets make another one.
No comments:
Post a Comment